D’banj’s Prancing, Wizkid’s Album, Karen’s Breasts…

By Chris Ihidero

‘What if I told you that D’Banj and Don Jazzy have been signed to Kanye West’s record label?’

‘Who doesn’t know? You are making it sound as if it was told to you exclusively. Every living thing within a 100 mile radius of planet earth knows by now, so stop making it sound like breaking news. Psewww.’

‘But have you seen the video of the signing ceremony, if one can call it that? Did you notice that Kanye had not had his bath? It did look very unprofessional, didn’t it? I mean, Kanye and his people looked like they were still wearing what they wore to bed the previous night, right?’

‘What does it matter what they wore and what they looked like? The important thing is that they have now signed our guys to one of the biggest hip hop outfits in the US. A lot of artistes would have given their left kidney to be signed by Kanye, even if it meant he was going to come to the contract signing ceremony butt naked. Hater oshi!’

‘Whatever. At least you can’t say that you didn’t see D’banj prancing about like a festive drumstick …rather childish really. Doing that annoying ‘I’m D’Banj, or Skibanj skit is burdensome, isn’t it? And he did look like he was getting on Kanye’s nerves, right? I thought I also heard the people in the room laughing, you know, like people laugh at circus monkeys or something…you did get that feeling too, right?

‘What nonsense feeling? It’s people like you that that spoil this country! Instead of being happy for the young men, you are spewing nonsense. Did you not see as Kanye was moving his head to the song? Sit down there and be hating o; the boys are hammering big time. They have Bentleys now and you have what? Answer me now, what do you have?! Nonsense.’

‘Ehn, man shall not live by Bentleys alone. And it was the beat Kanye was moving to, for as we know, D’Banj can’t sing.’

‘Did he tell you he was singer? He’s an entertainer, period! Why can’t an artiste be appreciated for what he is, rather than for what you people think he should be?!’

‘Perhaps that explains Wizkid’s album then…’

‘What’s wrong with Wizkid’s album?’

‘I didn’t say anything was wrong with it…just that he might also be an entertainer because he certainly can’t sing.’

‘Of course Wizkid can sing! What’s wrong with you?! He may have got some assistance from auto tune…well, maybe a lot of assistance, actually, but that’s hardly a crime? Besides, he’s barely out of his teens, what do you want from him, a musical cure for cancer? What were you doing with your life at his age?’

‘I am unimportant in this equation, and nothing you say can change my opinion that it is an album of choruses. A few lines make up a verse or something and then chorus takes over and ‘ye ye ye ye’ follows, 1000x. That annoying ‘ye ye ye ye’ thing, present everywhere! I’m sure he learnt it from Banky, you know, that his ‘Yaga yaga eh eh’ stuff. It’s an EME thing, isn’t it? What do you think Skales’ would be, ‘Ye ye yaga yaga’, right?

‘You are impossible to satisfy! Anyway, the young man has successfully launched his album and career…you will go grey hating on his success. Stay there. See your mouth like ‘ye ye ye ye’

‘Oh, where you at the album launch? I hear it was a slightly classier version of a high school prom. I was told that parents came to drop their wards and the mothers had this kind of exchange:  ‘Ah Brenda’s mummy, you too brought Brenda?’ ‘Yes o, I see you brought Yvette too’.

‘Surely, you jest. Did you not see that bigwigs from the entertainment industry represented at the launch? You didn’t see the pictures on different blogs, right? I’m done with this conversation!’ I’m better off watching Big Brother.’

‘Oh, that reminds me: is the Nigerian guy still in the house?’

‘What Nigerian guy? There are two Nigerians in the house and they are both ladies.’

‘Really? I could have sworn that the yellow one with the husky voice, biabia and chicken legs was a guy!’

‘Karen is a lady. Okay, maybe not a lady in the generic sense but I think it is rather disingenuous of you to call her a guy, seeing that she does posses a rather prominent pair of boobs.’

‘Ah ah, I see why you’ve been watching BBA. But they are not hers; she bought them for £4,000, I’m told. Please let’s keep things in perspective.’

‘If she bought them, they belong to her, period. And she will buy more when she wins the prize. You, on the other hand, can only dream of that kind of money. Sad for you.’

‘Win fire! You think they would let her win? It’s amazing how naive you can be. You really don’t know how these things work.’

‘Stay there and be headstrong like plank nailed to a wall. I am done.’

‘Planking!’

‘What?’

‘Planking! Have you too been doing it?’

‘Are you serious? Do you really think that I will engage in such idiocy?! Do not attach my name to such a ridiculous act, please!’

‘I don’t think this issue deserves all this grammar you are blowing…if you don’t want to plank, don’t. But don’t say it’s idiotic just because you don’t appreciate it. That, is what is ridiculous my friend.’

*Ihidero is a Lagos-based writer and filmmaker