By Chris Ihidero
On a busy street somewhere in Lagos, a young woman with an ample bosom and well-rounded buttocks balances a full tray of erect Atiku penises on her head, wriggles her buttocks and declares:
YW: Buy penis! Penis is here!! Free Atiku penis for sale. E ra oko Atiku e pa oungbe o! Gote amu Atiku, k’iwe riji afo o!
A well-dressed young man, alarmed by what the young woman has just called out, accosts her:
YM: What is this nonsense? What has this country come to that one encounters this kind of insanity so early in the morning?
YW: Please o, don’t call my market nonsense if you don’t want my God to call your life nonsense? Waka go front make I see road sell my market jare, oloshi.
YM: Market? What normal person sells erect penises?
YW: See you, Dundee United! This is why people like you will die of poverty. The question you suppose dey ask is: are there people in need of Atiku penis and how can I supply it to them? It is called business. Alakori mister stupid question asker!
YM: And where, in the name of all that is holy, did you find a tray full of erect penises? And why are you selling them since I can see stickers on them saying they are free?
YW: Baba God, shebi I prayed before leaving home this morning? Why did you come and let me meet this kind of Moyes mumu on the road, ehn? Mister oga, comot for my front jor!
YM: No, I insist on this inquiry! How did you come to be in possession of multiple penises? Which humans did you divest of their prized organs and why are they for sale since they are labeled free?!
YW: You blind for eyes? Can’t you see that 2015 elections are coming?
YM: I can see clearly and yes, I am aware that 2015 elections are upon us. What I don’t see is the correlation between that and a tray full of erect penises.
YW: Ah, o ma se o. A mother is told that a child is stupid and she says as long as he does not die. Who does not know that it is stupidity that will kill the child?
YM: I do not get the point of your riddle.
YW: Elections are coming! This is the time politicians remember us the people and throw all kinds of things to us to get our support. And if you get leg, you sef you will corner the things and then sell to those who no get am for free. You get me now? That na naija for you. This is my own gbemu Atiku!
YM: This is ridiculous. I understand politicians engaging segments of society, say on social media, like Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. In fact, the alleged provider of your penises now has social media presence and engages young people there. He has even given scholarships and free tickets and other stuff on Twitter. That’s a different kettle of fish altogether.
YW: Ehn ehn, now you are getting the something! As he gives the twita people free ticket, na so he give us the masses free penis – one full container! And your friends that are selling free twita, fazebuk and hinstagraf for him are the same with me selling free penises. All of us are hustoolers. There is no kettle or fish in this matter at all at all!
YM: The word is Hustle, please, the t is silent. And my friends behind his social media handles are doing legitimate business. They never said they were activists, did they? Accusing them of benefiting from their social media popularity, even with a politician of dubious character, is tantamount to heresy.
YW: Foolish is what you are. And the hef is not silent. Mumu Moyes oshi. I swear I feel like pushing one of this penis inside your mouth so you can shut up and stop talking nonsense.
YM: That’s scary. The mere thought of it repulses me to no end. I think I shall take my leave now. (Young man departs.)
YW. Bye bye, akoshibero! (Young woman resumes hawking) Penis is here! Buy penis! Atiku penis for sale! Gbanjo oko Atiku!
Young man returns
YM: Pardon my interruption, lady. A cursory glance at your tray suggests that, considering their sizes, these penises have to be northern. Yoruba men are not exactly as endowed, if you catch my drift. How do you suppose Atiku came about so many penises…he couldn’t possibly have been harvesting the organs of male victims of Boko Haram massacre, could he? And how was he able to keep them fully erect?
YW: E gbami nitori olorun! How I suppose know where dem come from? What is my business? Abeg vamoose comot for my front before I break your skull with the largest prick on this tray. Oloriburuku somebody! (Grabs one of the penises and advances.)
Young man flees, shaking his head vigorously.
