By Chris Ihidero
I like to define myself as non-violent. While I have no hope of becoming another Gandhi, I will usually walk away from a violent confrontation. This, of course, has not always been the case.
In my younger days, often as a last resolve or in necessary self-defense, I have been known to allow my hand have rapid dialogue with peoples body parts, preferably their faces. If the engagement was with a truly superior force, like an area boy, I have sought the assistance of instruments like bottles, whole or broken. These days, I scream and cuss – especially on the road as living and driving in Lagos tests a non-violent resolve its absolute limits – but no more.
Who doesn’t want to punch Femi Fani-Kayode in the mouth these days, really, who doesn’t? To live a life of nothingness and have self-serving opinions about everyone and everything takes irksomeness to an altogether higher level. Just a few days ago, FFK tweeted this: ‘The problem with women is that they are governed by emotions and slaves to passion.’ I tweeted a response at him, saying: ‘@realFFK Responses in kind, sir: The problem with you is that you are governed by idiocy and you are a slave to puerilities. Sleep tight.‘ But that was not what I really wanted to do. What I wanted to do was to hold his head in a tight grip between my legs and punch him in the mouth continuously. Did those women he referred to include his mother, his daughters (if he has any), his wi(ves)fe? How do you even begin to believe that this cretin and the great filmmaker Lola Fani-Kayode share a lineage? Anyway, there have been many cases of giving the wrong child to the wrong mother in a delivery ward of many hospitals. The Fani-kayode family should investigate.
I never thought the day would come when I would want to punch Mallam Nasir el Rufai in the mouth or other body part. He was one of my favourite people in the Obasanjo government. As controversial as his time as Minister for the Federal Capital, Abuja was, you can point to many of his achievements. His time at the helm of affairs at BPE saw a much-needed privatization drive focused on what needed to be done. He is clearly a doer, even if he has also always been a talker. It was until he was out of government that I started seeing the other side of him that irritates me to no end. Why the holier than thou attitude? Why the saviour self-elect tendencies? Every time he writes or speaks now I just want to scream SHUT THE FUCK UP at him. El Rufai is clearly a brilliant man who bears the curse of many brilliant minds: the tendency to always assume that they are the most brilliant in any context and no one else can get the job done but them. If I had his ears, I would whisper to him to re-strategise, get back into government (he’s clearly dying to!) and then get the job done. To assume others can’t do it and constantly harangue them from the sidelines is infuriatingly immature.
I expected Stella Oduah to lie at the first opportunity to tell her side of the story of armoured cars, fraud and all. I expected her to blame someone else for everything. I expected her to throw her assistant who admitted her involvement under the bus. I had no faith in whatever probe panel set up by the president or the House of representative. It isn’t for any of these expected reactions that I want to punch her in the mouth. I have little faith and less hope in people in government in Nigeria. She has behaved as expected. Honour isn’t an attribute of the GEJ government and he and his ministers get a side-eye from me on all honourable matters. I want to punch Stella Oduah in the mouth for how she poses for pictures. Can you all not see the arrogance seeping through? Even if it is clear that she’s untouchable, must she show it in her poses? The slight head bend, the slightly raise eyebrows, the scheming smile…do you see the picture now? Be grateful I am sworn to non-violence, madam minister, if not I will punch you in the mouth if I could get to you. Or at least punch your pictures in the mouth.
