By Chris Ihidero
What are you doing?”
‘Practicing my jabs. This injustice cannot stand. I will not be alive and a fellow human being will be pummeled like that and I will siddon look and do nothing. No way.’
‘So you are now a human rights activist? Never thought the day would come…’
‘A man must answer his true calling. It behoves all of us to be our brothers’ keepers…Adewunmi is my brother and I will be his keeper in this case! Olisa has a date to keep with fate today.’
‘But it’s funny, isn’t it? How can Olisa beat anyone like that? Have you seen Olisa Before?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Come on! Olisa is 59 years old. Or maybe 61. He’s massive. He can’t beat anybody. He can barely lift his arms.’
‘So what happened to Adewunmi’s face? He just woke up to discover mini mountains had sprouted on his face overnight, abi?’
‘No. Here’s what happened: Olisa came back from an event at about 2am and found Adewunmi asleep on the couch while he should have been keeping vigil for news like the resurrection of Osama bin Laden so he could edit for immediate broadcast because the 50 people who would be awake in Lagos need their news hot and fresh. In a bid to know why Adewunmi would commit such a heinous crime like sleeping on duty, Olisa’s hands, without Olisa’s consent, had a rapid dialogue with Adewunmi’s face. Adewunmi, in true BEATing FM fashion, stood at attention and did nothing.’
‘What? What do you mean’…in true BEATing FM fashion’? Are you saying that…’
‘Yes. Have you seen the Beating FM Employees’ Code of Conduct?’
‘They have a Code of Conduct?’
‘Of course! They prepared for days like this. Section 2, Part 2 says: “In the expected event of a senior colleague (especially if the said senior colleague is the Director of Programmes, Pa Olisa) pummeling a junior colleague, the junior colleague, if he/she likes his/her job, is advised to stand at attention, hands by the side and head raised, and receive the pummeling with grace. If the pummeling be merely verbal, junior colleague shall receive with same grace but with head bowed.’
‘Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Are you serious?!’
‘What’s there not to be serious about? Besides, let’s be fair to Olisa: If a man so advanced in years and that massive takes the pains to raise his hands, we should be fair and let the blows land. It’s the human thing to do.’
‘So this is why Beating Fm can only suspend him?’
‘Have they not tried? At least they have suspended him. What more do you want from them? You want them to sack him just because he used stone to redesign a colleague’s face? I have told to you it was involuntary action. Besides, who would they replace him with? You want to condemn Beating FM listeners to Wrecks, Tools and Gbewon, abi? Come on, be serious; they need Pa Olisa to balance things. They can’t sack him. Case closed.’
‘Case open jor! And why are all those celebrities who usually form activists on twitter not saying anything? Ehn, why? Is there also a Celeb Code of Conduct given out by Beating FM before they interview you or play your songs?’
‘Are you trying to call out people like Banky W, Sound Sultan, Lami, eLDee and M.I? What would their activism achieve in this instance? Besides, the celebs know where their bread is buttered. You want them to face hostility from Beating FM and Uncle Olisa over an issue that does not directly concern them? Please be fair.’
‘Okay, what about Wrecks, Tools and Gbewon and the others at Beating FM? Was it just subs they could tweet? Are there no labour laws in this country?!’
‘What about them?’
‘Can’t they speak up for their colleague? Can’t they protest, go on strike or something? Can’t they refuse to work with someone who can commit such a monstrous atrocity? There must be someone somewhere who can do something?’
‘God. All others have agendas to protect.’
‘What?’
‘God is his only hope. He should pray fervently to God, preferably at a crossroads at midnight, naked and holding a calabash filled with condiments for a sumptuous sacrifice. He should invite lighting and senility into Pa Olisa’s life, through Sango and Ogun. He should plead that Olisa will once again abuse the girlfriend of someone like Jim Iyke and be dished a bigger beating this time. He should cry to God to fight for him for therein lies the only possibility for justice. This is Nigeria; people like Olisa can do and undo when mere mortals like Adewunmi are on the receiving end.’
‘That is it…I am leaving!’
‘Where are you going to?’
‘Any where! Anywhere but here! Anywhere but this hell-hole we call a country where oppression from every possible angle and a few impossible ones is the order of the day!’
‘Na today? Pseeeww. Godspeed jor.’
*Ihidero is a Lagos-based Writer and Filmmaker.
12 comments
LOVE IT..
Wow.
I definitely laughed. Nice write-up, Chris! Though I’m not sure the naked calabash situation is desirable for anyone, LOL!
What a way to put everything 2geda, d olisa ‘bash ali’ adibua, pumelled God’s son who leave everything to his father, silent or silenced co-workers, ‘e no concern us’ celebrities and d beater fm with their ‘slap on d wrist’ or ‘pulling of d ear’ punishment, a great write up.
Hilarious but on point
This is lovely……..and yea those “celebs” didn’t say anything about it and it got me raising eyebrow. I hope everyone gets to read this.
This country is just messed up. U hit the nail right on the forehead and hard for that matter. Thank God for people who called out for apologies pa olisa for don succeed. He’d be back to BeatingFM trust me.
Despite the write up being hilarious, it was right on point. Olisa adibua should learn to act age and respect himself please. I hope and pray justice gets done in a helpless person’s situation this time around.
Lmao….. Olisa the fighter working in Beating industry, In fact I don dey hate Beating Fm gan self
*yawns*olisa was wrong..fine..he has admitted and apologised..good.ppl lyk Chris shd stop playin d saint card.u sha had to write on d issue evn afta he apologised.and bringin d whole BeatFM into ds is incredulous.he has bn suspended ‘while investigation continues’.what mor cld dey hav don.u press ppl sha luk 4 news to feast on.since u ppl r nt a stars,we dnt knw if u beat ur wives(girlfriends or wteva).2baba don talk am.nobody holy pass.let d mata die..P.S:vewi DRY header..u can do better.
It’s such a shame that all our ‘celebs’ that can actually use their voice to fight it are acting like they have no clue…but i saw them all up in Chris Brown’s issue like he knows of their existence…
Office harassment is a crime and i am surprised he is till on Glo Naija sings….. Tiger Woods made his personal life a mess and he was dropped from endorsements… talk less of someone beating their colleague….c’mon!
We scream we are developing, we are becoming more exposed and western but no one wants to stand up for the unheard…
Oh well, the people that could have helped fight this injustice have personal interests to protect.
What’s the retirement age in the country again?
We are where we are today as a people and as a country ‘cos we prioritise sentiments over objectivity in our day to day affairs. Olisa walked free of a crime he committed and offered apology on the grounds of compellance. He was compelled and coerced into making an apology! This is assault and battery for heavens sake, a crime punishable by law. Olisa must be a bully to inflict such injury on a co-worker. I’m sure his wife must have had a taste of his fury. This goes to show how uncivilised my dear country is and how mediocre Olisa himself is. I advice Adewunmi to seek redress in the court of law. One must stand up for something else fall for anything. Olisa should be made to face the full arm of the law and be made to pay enormous compensation for such demeaning action. This will to a great extent discourage people of his pedigree from turning fellow workers into punching bags!
Wen i read ds peace*sighs*i laff’d ma’fuckn ass off…..it’s really funny bt makes a whole lot o’sense! U guyz did a gr8 job on ds!*beating fm*name dey follow o! Lmao!