SOLILOQUY: What I want for Christmas

By Ayeni Adekunle

I know it’s going to be a busy week for everyone. Last minute shopping, travel plans, Christmas parties, end of year gigs, and all.

Christmas is a big deal. Forget all the arguments about whether Jesus was born on December 25 or not. Forget the arguments about the commercialization of Christmas or all that talk about how it’s inappropriate to replace ‘Christ’ with ‘X’, a character that suggests the unknown, the unidentified.

Ignore all the confusion about which event will rock this season and which will suck; ignore the endless fireworks that, no thanks to Boko Haram, could make you think Molotov cocktails have taken over Lagos. Ignore all the JJCs from London and America and Malaysia and Cyprus, whose accents will confuse you and annoy you.

But whatever happens, DO NOT FORGET what I’m about to tell you: Christmas (or Xmas if you like) is the season of giving. No better time to give than now, the period when we celebrate the greatest gift of all; the ‘birth’ of the man who came to make the greatest sacrifice of all.

There’s no better time to tell you (in confidence I hope) all the things I’ve been secretly wanting. Something tells me some of those dreams are about to come true because God will use you to meet this brother at his point of need…

Let’s start with what we’re all familiar with – A PJ. Always wanted one, but out of fear that people would begin to doubt my humility, I decided to perish the thought. Now that it’s no longer a big deal, I’d better get one before Gulfstream and Bombardier run out of stock.

But a jet is not enough. I want a bicycle too. I know NCAA or FAAN (or whoever is responsible) will not let me park my PJ in my backyard, so I’ll probably need to leave it in Segun Demuren’s care at EAN. And because the traffic gets so bad here, a decent one-hour journey could take an entire day, I think it’s best I get on a bicycle anytime I’m not hopping on a PJ, Psquare (or Oritsejafor) style. Smart guy, that Fashola. Seeing as it’s near impossible to rid this city of traffic, at least he’s fixed most of the sidewalks and chased okadas away. Dude knew I’d love to ride my bicycle in peace.

But I doubt a bicycle will win me any new fans, especially the ladies. So, maybe we can get the 2014 BMW series or the lovely forthcoming Mercedes Benz S-Class? You know, something to drive round town in the evenings and on Sundays when the roads are a bit sane? I’ve always envied the likes of Darey, D’banj, and Okocha who know what it’s like to enjoy the pleasure of a fast car; who needs a Honda or Toyota when there’s a Porsche winking seductively at you?

And I want the iPhone 5. Since my Bold 5 broke my heart, I’ve been stuck with a dilapidated Curve that embarrasses everyone around me. I’m sure even RIM would be shocked to see their product in such a sorry state. Everyone thinks I’ve stubbornly refused to change the phone. If only they knew…Anyway, I know there are too many dumb people carrying smartphones around. I promise if you get me the iPhone 5 (and maybe a Nokia Lumia as a bonus), I’ll never stand in front of my toilet mirror to take a photo of myself. Deal?

Away from my lust for material things, though. How about some new business ideas? I feel like I need someone to wake me up on Boxing day with a never-thought-of-before idea that will land us in the Guinness Book of World Records. Take for example, a business that provides hospitality to kidnappers and their victims, seeing that’s the fastest growing industry here these days? We could build some nice chalets in those bushes and make everyone comfortable, you know?

Or perhaps someone could get the publishing company behind the bestselling Achebe book ‘There was a country’ to put their money on my new book ‘Democracy for dummies.’ I guarantee we’ll ‘outsell’ Achebe in Abuja and elsewhere. I’m willing to share the proceeds 70:30.

But if anyone can get the Chief of Defence staff Ola Sa’ad Ibrahim to visit and apologize to the family of the late co-pilot of the crashed Navy chopper, Adeyemi Sowole, then I would have gotten the perfect Christmas gift.

The CDS was not on my radar, prior to reading his arrogant, reckless and insensitive Vanguard interview last Thursday. In an interview with Luka Binniyat and Evelyn Usman of Vanguard, Sowole’s parents, obviously distraught by the loss of their son and the senseless way those handling Government PR are handling communications concerning the crash, the Sowoles expressed their great sorrow at the death of their boy and spoke of how government had abandoned them.

‘My son used to go for at least 15 trips every three weeks. And when he arrived at his destination, he would always call to inform me. I insisted he called me so that my mind would be at rest. As usual, he called to inform me that they were conveying some dignitaries and said they had conveyed them for about 15 times so far’, his mother told the journalists.

‘But you can imagine how bad is it when his name was not even mentioned when he died. They only mentioned the name of two prominent persons and left out his and the senior pilot’s. Is that fair?’

Her husband, Solomon Sowole, then added what should touch any reasonable person’s heart; ‘We are yet to be officially informed about our son’s death. And this was someone that was sent on an official assignment. We only got to hear about his demise from the media…We are being treated as if our son was a nobody, or as if he fell from heaven. No! He didn’t fall from heaven. He had parents who should be treated the way they ought to. Today makes it the fifth day the incident happened and not even the Navy he worked for, has deemed it right to come to inform us…’

Their statements, rather than attract sympathy, drew the ire of the CDS.

Hear him: ‘the Naval headquarters has responded to that. They have placed adverts and we have given them whatever support that is needed. We have been in touch with the   family of the co-pilot. The Defense headquarters in particular is posting adverts here and there. And we have done whatever we feel we owe them. We are already pained as it is.’

He was in the home of the late Owoeye Azazi, in the company of other Service Chiefs comprising the Chief of Army Staff, Lieutenant General Azubuike Ihejirika; the Chief of Naval Staff, Vice Admiral Dele Ezeoba; the Chief of Air Staff, Air Vice Marshal Alex Benden and the Inspector General of Police, Mr Mohammed Abubakar, while speaking with journalists. And, after dismissing the complaints of the Sowoles, he went on to pour encomiums on Azazi. Not a word of comfort for the families of the pilot, co-pilot, and other flight staff.

By doing so, he not only spat on their remains, he opened them up, undid his zipper, and peed on them. Not satisfied, he pulled down his trousers, removed his boxers, and defecated on them. Highly despicable, especially for someone occupying a position as sensitive as his. And he absolutely has to pay for it.

It’s bad enough that the chopper crash continues to be communicated as involving ‘Owoeye, Yakowa and others’; bad enough that all the photos we see in the newspapers and on TV are of government officials visiting the families of Yakowa and Azazi. I don’t think the President has ever mentioned any of the other victims in his statements. Apparently, the lives of our VIPS are more important than some random Lieutenants whose parents live in Iyana Ipaja. Imagine if this was America!

It will not be a merry Christmas if Mr President, the chief of Naval staff, Oronto Douglas, and other relevant government officials do not reach out and console the Sowoles. It will not be a merry Christmas if the Chief of Defence staff does not withdraw his reckless statements and apologize to the mourning family.

What a perfect gift it’d be if you could get the chap to do what’s right, what’s honourable and decent. He actually seems to me a decent man, from what I’ve seen and read about him. So I’m hoping his comments came in a moment of indiscretion, and that it won’t be a big deal for him to send his regrets once he’s made to realize the error of his ways.

Thanks for my gift – in advance!