So I imagine the makers of some of the commonest TV series had a meeting at the beginning of the year to discuss next steps (I suspect it was Shonda Rhimes who presided over it; she is mouthed like that).
It was a round-table meeting in a secret location so no enthusiastic fan or paparazzi would come calling. Most of the attendants had sweat running down their faces even though the AC wasn’t broken. Shonda was speaking.
Shonda : Guys, we need to kill one character each, at least. And it must pain. That’s the whole idea. What is a death that does not cause an ‘Ewo!’ or a ‘Mo gbe!’
Some people exchanged glances and nods. Some just listened on. Some smiled proudly. The old Prison Break guy coughed and people said their ‘bless yous’.
Shonda wasn’t done.
Shonda : Preferably the main protagonist too. Erm.. Or one of the mains, you sha catch my drift.
The Vampire Diaries guy raised a hand.
Shonda : Yes?
TVDG : Aunty, beht if I kill Stefan or Damon, no one would watch my show. As it stands, we have lost many fans already by killing Elena. We cannot afford any more losses.
Shonda thought for a moment, then shifted in her seat and spoke.
Shonda : Who else do you have that can go and it will still pepper body? And please don’t tell me Matt Donovan. People would be grateful that one died.
TVDG : Es ma, Bonnie is there, beht even she cannot go, because she is the only witch and people will swear for us.
Shonda stared at him as if to say ‘Your head is not correct ni?’, so he continued.
TVDG : Maybe Enzo. As per lover boy tinz. Enzo is fine ma.
Shonda : Okay na. Kill him.
She turned to the Suits guy.
Shonda : You people nko?
Suits Guy: Jessica cannot die ma. People will have heart attack and that’s not good for the business. But we can say she went away. Please, Aunty, let’s just say she went away.
Shonda was not satisfied, but she let it slide. She turned to the Jane The Virgin guy who was sitting beside the Quantico guy who was picking his nose.
Shonda: Give me good news.
JTVG: Well, so we did odeshi for Michael the other day, but not anymore. He will die this time around Aunty.
Shonda: Good. Very good. Maybe later you can kill Jane too. Just saying…
The Orange Is The New Black dude was sulking in the corner. Shonda rolled her eyes.
Shonda : Orange bobo, so because I asked you to kill Poussey now, we will not hear word again. Do you know how many characters I have killed, abi you think it was easy to kill Wes? Do you know how many more I plan on killing? Annalise is still there. Olivia Pope is there… Abeg carry your crocodile tears and be going, ma fren.
Then The Flash guy stood up.
TFG: Aunty eskis, I was thinking that boya maybe you can spare Iris West…
Shonda: Sharrap dia. Iris must die. Your Arrow brothers that killed Laurel Lance have two heads abi.
The Supergirl guy was trying to hide his face behind the Scorpion guy.
Shonda : Mr Supergeh, you think I can’t see you abi? What happened to the Kara Denvers I told you to kill?
Supergirl Guy: Haba Aunty! Have a little conchest na. The show will be over if she dies. We have sent Cat away ma. We have sent Meghan away too ma. That should do for now, pris.
Shonda was livid. She wanted to ask him to shut up and gerrout when a loud fart came from the Mistresses guy’s side of the room. She flashed him an angry look but he winked at her and it was then she remembered he had just killed off Karen. So she winked back.
Then Game of Thrones guy barged in and Aunty Shonda immediately fell to her knees.
Shonda: Ah Baba…Welcome! Chairman Sah, we are happy to see you Sah, the throne is yours Sah
The end.
This post first appeared on TNS.
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