‘Objectifying’ Tiwa Savage; My (Woo)man Of The Year

By Chris Ihidero

‘Oh wow, what a year! 2011 was the bomb!’

‘No truer words have ever been said, my friend. Truly a year of bombs. I mean, even the president was constantly found hiding under the coffee table in Aso Rock, away from the engagement with the super humans called Boko Haram, who, as we all know, are descended from Jupiter and therefore cannot be engaged by mere humans. Yep, a bombastic year.’

‘I really hate it when you do this nonsense. Who is talking about Boko Haram now? What’s my business with that? I am talking about how it’s been a wonderful year for the Naija entertainment industry and you have to bring the president and his ineffectiveness into this? You are such a spoilsport!’

‘Oh, so sorry. Totally irresponsible of me. I do get carried away a bit at this time of the month. Do forgive me, please. Now, what would you say the most important happenings in the entertainment industry were in 2011?’

‘Now you are talking! Plenty o! Errrm…the many international awards Naija artistes won; Don Jazzy, D’Banj joining Illuminati through Kanye; the final demise of PMAN, as led by youthful eLDee, M.I and Banky W, and supported by elderly Tony Okoroji; the promised $200M, which originally belongs to the World Bank but was hijacked by Mr. President and promised just before elections, conveniently; the many Nollywood films that flopped at the cinemas and the many more that never got made as Nollywood continues to lay comatose; Flavour finally blowing up and the unfortunate death of MC Loph; that hand on Omotola’s derriere as her ticket to the Grammys; Linda Ikeji‘s blog and all the vermin that infest it with demeaning comments but have no worthy lives outside the blog… and so much more!

‘Interesting. But you seem to have forgotten the best thing that happened to Naija entertainment in 2011.’

‘And what is that?’

‘Tiwa Savage.’

‘What?! Please tell me you are not one of those people who would not get off the case of this young woman! What do you guys want from her? What does she have to do to satisfy you guys? Must you all objectify her? Come on, she can sing!’

‘Of course, she can. Very well too. And I desire nothing more from her than what she’s currently doing. She’s one young woman in whom I’m well pleased. In fact, I’m so pleased that if she were to consider changing anything about her art right now, thoughts of suicide will not be far from my mind.’

‘THANK GOD! Finally, someone who appreciates this talented and hardworking young woman! Praise be to God!’

‘Hallelujah. I can’t begin to tell you what joy she brings to my life with her…voice. Yes, her voice. So sonorous. I saw her perform at The Headies and her waxed legs were the truth. As was her voice, of course. And I have seen the Love Me x3 video 4321 times. Yes. I really like listening to the song, especially through the video.’

‘What do I have a feeling something isn’t right here?’

‘Only God knows.’

‘Are you sure you are not being cynical? I don’t trust you jor!’

‘Cynical, me? Not at all. To be candid, Tiwa is my (woo)man of the year. Absolutely.’

‘And this is due, strictly, to her music, right?’

‘But of course. It is beneath me to descend to the level of those that objectify her like she’s some sex peddler. Come on, you should know me better than that.  That I have paused the Love Me x3 video on 3.20 seconds every time I have seen it is merely for deeper clarity, nothing more. Add that to those waxed legs, the strides that appear in every video and live performance, plus that open and close dance…

‘Ah, what sort of nonsense clarity is that? You have been pausing the video at the point her boob popped out, you lecherous goat!’

‘Ah ah, I see you have been busy too. Say whatever you want, I am a fan for life. She has occupied my mind.’

‘And of all else that has happened in the entertainment industry in 2011, this is all that has occupied your silly mind?’

‘Yes. And it will take a lot to dislodge it. I can’t be bothered with all other inconsequentialities. She will be a prayer point on the night of the 31st. All forces working towards her changing into whatever they think she should be shall fall and die! Sing with me, brother: Baby baby me, ololufe mi, toju toju mi, iwo nikan lo le love me love me looooove meeeeee!!!