Dear Prof. Osinbajo – By Oluwole Leigh

By Oluwole Leigh

Dear Prof,

I bring you greetings in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) and Orunmila Baba Agbonmiregun (in no particular order). First of all, I would like to congratulate you on your victory at the recently held Presidential elections. Unseating a ruling party is no mean feat in this part of the world. As our people say- It is the Lord’s doing and it is marvelous in our sight. I am not in the habit of speaking to Politicians because I believe they are all candidates for Hell Fire but I had to make an exception for you.

As I was going about my evening meditation, I began to hear voices. I heard a loud voice saying -’Son of Man, Write what I am about to show you’. Suddenly, deep sleep fell on me and I entered into a trance. I saw that a great sheet descended from the heavens. On that sheet there were multiples of 2 items – Indomie and Titus Sardine. I opened a pack of Indomie and I discovered there was no seasoning. I turned to a pack of Sardine and also discovered that there were only 2 pieces of fish inside. I screamed because I thought the host of heaven had been swindled until the voice told me.is the state of Nigeria’. Sir , you will be shocked when you open your packet of Indomie (Nigeria) and discover it is empty.

I listened to an interview, which you had with Jimi Disu of Classic FM in February 2015. He tried his best to get you to loosen up but you refused to lower your professorial guard. I was wondering – Where was the man that rocked Igbobi College those days of Earth, Wind and Fire? Did Jesus take all the fun away from him? During the Interview with Jimi, he gave you the opportunity to make a song request. I was surprised when you told him to play you -’Alabaster Box’ by Cece Winans. Sir, I could not believe my ears. Slow Gospel songs cannot sufficiently prepare you for the challenge of being the Nigerian Vice-President.  Sir, have you heard about Terry G?  Have you heard his song -’You can only run run run , runvrun run pass Terrry G, when you run mad……’.  Have you heard –’Ginger o Ginger, Ginger o Ginger ….’. Those are battle-front songs that I expect you to be listening to. If you must listen to religious music, I advise you to look for all those C.A.C songs where they will be clapping, nodding and twerking as if the world wants to end. This is war and we expect nothing less.

Sir, I would want you to be very wary of our fellow pastors. As a fellow Man of God, I know these people very well. They are nothing but wolves in wolves clothing. I learnt that they were falling over themselves to shake your hand during the April Night Vigil of your church. These were the same ones that were abusing you and telling you that you have fallen short of the will of God because you became a politician.  They saw Visions and dreamed of doom if your candidacy was chosen by the Nigerian People. Sir, the question you should ask them is simple – What happened to your Crystal balls? If I were you, I would not shake hands with any one of them. I would only wave at them. I really can’t put anything past them. We wouldn’t want a situation where after shaking hands with them, some body part goes missing.

Something that worries me greatly is the future mood of Aso Rock. Let me tell a quick story.  I was invited to Aso Rock for some spiritual assignment during the early days of the current administration. I was asked to say the opening prayer at a party and leave. Unfortunately by the time the spirit(s) started moving into wine glasses, I had to put down my bible. I did not know when I removed my collar and cassock and entered the dance floor.  It was a presidential Turn up session. However, I get shivers when I think of what Aso Rock will be like when the Stern-faced General moves in. Can you imagine 4 years of no turning up? General will sit down in one corner and be reading Newspapers while you will sit in another corner and be reading memos. The table will be filled with Water while Classical Music plays in the Background.  Sir, I don’t know how you are going to do it but we will need to turn that water into Orijin.

As we all know, your administration is coming in at a time when Nigeria is under severe financial stress. Your administration will need to plug some financial loopholes. Out of the magnanimity of my heart, I have decided to suggest one loophole to you. This loophole is called ‘Holy Pilgrimage’. I will limit myself to the Christian portion of it. In those days, the so called – ‘Christian Pilgrimage’ used to be limited to people going to cry at some old walls in Jerusalem. Nigerians would go and drink water at some river in Israel and come back home with a title affixed to their names – J.P The title became so popular that one of my good friends – Abass Akande Obesere started to call himself – Papa J.P Interestingly, since the leadership of the Christian Association of Nigeria was transferred from the hands of Orthodox Christian leaders to ‘Penterascals’, our pilgrimage frontiers have been extended to Egypt, Rome and Greece.  I have searched the Bible but I have not found a place in which it tells people to squander the resources of the nation on Religious Tourism. There is only one solution to this menace. Cancel every gaddem pilgrimage ticket and offer employees of the Pilgrimage board employment with Lagos Traffic Authorities (LASTMA). Members of the public who feel that their lives would be incomplete without an annual visit to a religious campsite should be made aware of these alternatives – Celestial City, Imeko, Sat Guru Maharaji‘s Camp on the way to Ibadan and Mountain of Fire and Explosions Campsite on the way to Lagos

The last issue is the most important of them all. It is a matter of National Importance. Some of the members of my Ministry have been disturbing me about this issue and I fear that our nascent democracy may be derailed if preventive measures are not taken. It is none other than the mystery of Zahra Buhari, the General’s daughter. I have had no peace of mind since her face broke into National consciousness. My young members have asked me to use the spiritual powers that I claim to possess in conjuring up her Phone number. Unfortunately, I have not been able to call this number out of thin air. I have decided not to contact the General in order to avoid being sent to Prison. Kindly help me to keep my ministry by obtaining her phone number. My members told me they only want to tell her how much Jesus loves her. I believe them.  Put the devil to shame in my ministry and get me this number.

There are some other things that I want to discuss with you but I shall await your reply to this letter. When all is said and done, let us remember that we will give an account of our deeds.  I would like to leave you with the wise words of your high school anthem

Give me a torch which shall shine

And pour on afar and near

Its radiance divine,

Let hill and vale this tiding bear

Wherever there’s an Igbobian

There also is a noble Nigerian

Yours in the Vineyard,

Founder & CEO, Presiding Bishop

Elshaddai shall not Die Ministries