Chris Ihidero Unedited: Why I am not Yet Married

By Chris Ihidero

Frustrated with being incessantly asked the ‘why are you not yet married question’, I wrote this piece some years ago. Tweets on some of my friends’ timelines assure me that the perpetrators of this wickedness are still among us. In solidarity with my unmarried friends like Ebuka Obi-Uchendu, I have decided to publish an updated version of this piece to encourage them to be steadfast in their refusal to be harassed into a marriage. The Lord is your strength, brothers!

‘So tell me, why are you not yet married?‘

‘Me? Who said I was going to get married at all?’

‘Come off it, you know you have to someday?‘

‘I have to? That’s news to me.’

‘Quit the pretence. Everyman has to take up the responsibility of marriage at some point. It’s what society expects of you. It’s what makes you a real man.’

‘I know a few ladies who can testify to the fact that I am a real man. would you like me to give you their phone numbers? And when exactly did I begin to accede to society’s dictates? Haven’t you heard that I’m UnRuly?’

‘Whatever! All I know is that you’re not getting any younger.’

‘Which makes me better. Remember wine tastes better the older it gets…’

‘Please be serious! Are you saying you wish to remain a bachelor all your life?’

‘And what’s wrong with that? You make it sound like some incurable disease.’

‘Did I not just ask that you be serious? It’s not funny you know. You can’t continue this irresponsible life.’

‘What’s irresponsible about being unmarried? How does my so called irresponsibility affect the current price of garri in the market? Will the credit crunch end just because I got married?’

‘You know what? I don’t know why I bother. You are a lost case. Go ahead and spend the rest of your life alone. Loneliness will deal with you in old age. No wife, no children to comfort you. You will know then!’

‘Thank you. I wonder why you bother too. You keep using panadol for my headache.’

‘It’s not your fault, you hear? I thought I was looking out for a friend.’

‘So why are you walking away now? Because I said I don’t want to get married? Oya come back. I have seen the list.’

‘What list?’

‘What do you mean ‘what list’? Whenever weddings are concerned in this country, there’s always a list!’

‘Oh, you mean the list of things you are expected to give to your bride’s people?’

‘No, the list of things my fortunate bride’s people will be giving to my family!’

‘What?! Is something wrong with your head? When did women become the ones to bring things?’

‘My head was fine, the last time I checked. It is high time things changed! Why must it be the guy that’s always the one bringing stuff?’

‘Because that’s what culture demands, you blockhead! And you can’t change culture.’

‘Yes we can! Culture is dynamic jor! Didn’t we use to kill twins before? Do we still kill them now? Change is the only constant thing in life, and change for the better is always appealing, just like my list! You are walking away again. It’s bad manners, you know…’

‘You make me want to pulp your brain, I swear!’

‘A natural feel arising out of envy, for as a woman, your brain is smaller than mine!’

‘Shut up! And stop quoting Soyinka out of context. Such arrogance! And this list of yours, what’s on it, if I may ask?’

‘It’s actually not yet complete. A few pages are yet to be added. It will need spiral binding when it’s finished. Why are you laughing now?’

‘Surely, you are not a serious person. Not only do you have a list, it is big enough to need spiral binding! Pray tell, what is in this handout?’

‘I actually don’t know the full content but I glimpsed some pages while my popsie was compiling and I saw BMW X6 (Black, chrome, American specs); an acre of land in Ajah (with sea view), the latest Macbook Air,  2TB Hard Disk space,  the yet t0 be released Apple TV; 41 tubers of male yam;  21 baskets of smoked Eja Osan, one 15KVA diesel generator, 5 Cartons of Vodka and 3 of Hennessey VSOP and Moet et Chandon champagne,  clothes for my long dead grand-parents and some other things sha…’

‘Hehehehe,!!!! And what does your father take marriage to be; a business transaction?’

‘Before nko, what do you think it is?! A blatant exchange of commodities, with profiteering!’

‘And why would any woman want to pay all of this for you?’

‘You mean you don’t know? You can’t tell? Please don’t hurt my feelings with your ignorance!’

‘Forgive me; I can be uniquely moronic sometimes. Please explain to me like I’m a 6yr old.’

‘Fine-boy-no-pimples, black-boy-no-blemish, shine-shine-bobo, swagger-possessor, proudly UnRuly, Omo to l’enu pa!’

‘Nonsense. This is where I take my leave…continue to enjoy your foolery!’

‘Thank you. At least you won’t say you do not know why I am not yet married. No one has come to ask for my hand in marriage, yet!’

*This piece was originally published as a Facebook note.*