Chris Ihidero Unedited: Nigeria Jaga Jaga

By Chris Ihidero

‘(Singing) This Nigeria na we own, make e no pafuka, there’s no place wey be like home, home sweet home…!’

‘You will do well not to annoy me this morning, young man. Your foolery is not amusing at all at a time like this.’

‘What time? Wetin be the difference between this time and anytime?’

‘I do not expect you to understand. Common sense is not exactly your strongest attribute.’

‘Abuse me na, whether na me kill the students for Mubi abi na me carry petrol burn the Uniport students. I no know which one be my own inside.’

‘Oh, so you do know that anarchy has been let loose upon the land? One would have expected a sober reflection from any sensible citizen of a country that is going to the dogs at an alarming rate; some sense of appropriate soul searching, you know; something to suggest that you comprehend the gravity of this human waste.’

‘Na today? Which kain yeye human waste? Na today we begin burn thief? Abi na today 42 abi na 45 students begin die for campus? Why all of una dey carry this thing for head like say na new thing?

‘Are you mad? ARE YOU A RAVING LUNATIC?! How in the name of all that is holy can you fail to see what a calamity this is? How can you stand there and tell me we are over reacting to this? Blimey!’

‘I for siddon tell you? No today we begin do jungle justice for here? Na today we begin break broom put inside thief penis or mix cement for thief to drink and die? Na today we begin take burning tire do necklace for thief? Na today we begin catch girl wey thief, naked am come put pepper for her vagina? Bros abeg leave story, e don tey when yansh get parting…no be today!’

‘So you are in support of this total breakdown of law and order, this primitive rendering of our bestiality before a global audience?

‘Support no important na. We all fit do anything wey we like, anytime wey we like. Nigeria na jungle na, and for jungle na survival of the fittest. Any which wey, we all go die. Whether na dem burn you o, or police catch you for crime wey you no commit come kill you ‘accidentally’ for cell or kuku shoot you for street; or armed robber catch you for traffic off you head because of phone, or you get accident for Agege and Fashola ambulance no pass Ikeja and before your people go rush you go general hospital you don die for road or una even reach general sef doctors dey strike, or the place too full, or drugs no dey, na die you go still die. And if you no die for Lagos come go do NYSC for North, dem go cut your head or Boko-Haram bomb go pieces you, and Jonathan no fit do anything pass to set up committee to count exactly how many pieces your body blow into. See ehn, one way or the other Nigeria dey try kill all of us every day so no need for all this noise upon say four people die. Last last, Nigeria go kill all of us. ‘

‘So we should all fold our hands and watch, is that what you are advocating with your long and warped philosophy?

‘Unfold your hands and enter street and go and fight na, who dey stop you? Abi una no fit do occupy Nigeria for this one? In fact. When the thing enter una body well well, una no go get option sha.’

‘What do you mean by that? You sound like you want this to get worse?’

‘Yes o, can’t wait for Lagos to happen.’

‘Lagos? Happen how?’

‘One small Boko Haram bomb needs to go off in Lagos! When the suffering reaches our bone, when the dead are no longer mere statistics, when – as it happened with the Dana crash – the dead are not more than a friend or family member away from us, then we will know what deep shit we are all into with this nonchalant political leadership we are condoning! It’s still too far away: The pain, the agony, the sense of loss, the whole frigging anarchy is still too distant for all of us in our comfortable zones, so twitter is where our engagement starts and ends. When the anarchy comes home; when the tragedy hits us in the face, then we will do something about it; then we will realise that nothing breeds anarchy faster in a nation than a leader who appears weak. When you don’t want a tree to grow, you uproot it while it’s still in its infancy, you don’t start tackling it when it is a f****g iroko!

‘Wow.’

‘Yes, fucking wow! Una never hala, e remain small. (Singing) Nigeria jaga jaga, everything scatter scatter, poor man dey suffer suffer, gbosa gbosa one bomb inna the air!!!’