Chris Ihidero Unedited – 'I have no hope of heaven or fear of hell'

By Chris Ihidero

Pastors…Yeye Dey Smell

‘Hahahahahah. I love Nigeria, I no go lie, Na inside am I go live and die…hahahahahaha’

‘And what it so funny as to elicit such irresponsible laughter so early this morning, if I may ask?’

‘Buhahahaha!!! It’s people like you that are making me laugh o! It’s amazing how little you really know about Nigeria.’

‘I’ve never claimed to know a lot, so I don’t see your point, really.’

‘You don’t see my point? Well, you shall soon see my point when those you labelled fufu-pounding and bitterleaf plucking personal assistants to ministers get into political positions that will affect your life. I actually expect that you will end up being beaten up by their security detail some day, or just simply thrown in jail for the sins of nonsensical writings.’

‘You are getting ahead of yourself, my friend. I suppose this has something to do with that young man’s universal declaration of PDP membership, right? Well I actually think he should be commended. It’s a move in the right direction.’

‘Are you serious? You support him? Wonders shall never end! I thought you guys were sworn enemies. But did you hear him call PDP a great party? Great and PDP shouldn’t be in the same sentence jor!’

‘A man should live or die as he believes. I don’t support him and he really doesn’t need anyone’s support. I’m indifferent to his choice. He has a right to join any party and he has joined one. Why this is news is beyond my comprehension, clearly. And PDP is a great party. Any party that can retain power for 14 years in a nation as volatile as Nigeria is a great party: A great thieving, elections rigging, undemocratic, largely incompetent, corruption-encouraging, policy-deficient, money-grabbing, retrogressive party…greatness has many definitions, my dear.’

‘Ah! But did you hear his reasons for joining PDP? ‘The party provides the most viable platform for me to drive my change ideologies… [platform, in terms of] structure, finances, internal democracy, party discipline and national spread.’

‘Reasons are exaggerated and reasoning is clearly beyond the PDP, so if you think his reasons are ridiculous, well, he’ll be in good company in thePDP. Besides, we are no longer looking for incorruptible politicians in Nigeria, just competent ones. Truly, PDP provides him the best platform: it has splendid internal democracy, the type that produces a national leader without opposition and a 61year old youth leader; it has structure and financial strength to ensure that it will constantly out-bribe and out-thug CPC, ACN and others, at least at the national level. With all of this, it shouldn’t be very hard to get a political post soon. Right thinking by the young man, actually.’

‘I don’t understand you these days. It’s like you’ve changed and I’m not sure I like this new you very much. You used to be very critical…now you just what I don’t know sef.’

‘And what a fat lot being a critic has done for me.’

‘So this siddon look business is your default setting now, abi? That’s how you said nothing about Oyedepo starting an airline.’

‘What was I supposed to say? A business man expands his empire by starting a new venture…isn’t that what all big business people do? I didn’t see anything that warranted a comment.’

‘But it’s not his money! And he’s not a business man; he’s a pastor!

‘Of course he’s a business man. Do you know how much he makes from the packaging of that Holy Slap? And what do you call Covenant University and the farms?  Besides, I have never heard of ONE incident where a pastor/imam comes into someone’s house and drags them to the church/mosque, or puts a gun to their heads to give money. People go there and give of their own free will so they should stop whining when these guys put the money to ‘good’ use.’

 ‘Ah, but Bishop Oyedepo is a Man of God!’

‘Who told you that?’

‘Told me what?’

‘That he’s a Man of God?’

‘Haba, but that’s clear for all to see. He owns a big church with thousands, if not millions of followers.’

‘And that makes him a Man of God?’

‘Wait, are you suggesting that Bishop Oyedepo is not a Man of God?’

‘No. I’m indifferent to whether he’s a Man of God or not. I can’t be bothered. I’m only wondering when God came down and pointed to him as one of His men. Him or any other pastor/imam/bishop/deacon/babalawo etc.’

‘Ah, BLASPHEMY! Surely you realise that you are going to end up in hell fire?’

‘My friend, I have no hope of heaven or fear of hell.’

‘That’s it! I’m done with you!  (Packs his things and begins to sing) This world is not my home, I’m just passing through, my treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the moon, the angels beckon me from heaven’s open door and I can’t feel at home in this world anymore…