Chris Ihidero Unedited: I am looking for a wifey

By Chris Ihidero

Three years ago, when I grew tired of explaining to people why I was still single, I put out this announcement seeking a life partner. Truckloads of applications poured in like torrential rain and I have since given one of the top applicants a chance at sharing my glorious life.

Are you currently searching? Why not just put out exactly what you are looking for? You never know who’s out there waiting just for you…

Dear Intending Applicant,

Consequent upon the deluge of proposals that I have been inundated with since the recent publication of the real reason why bachelorhood is still the bane of my existence (See my notes for reference), it has become imperative to expediently bring forth a sort of guideline for would-be applicants, just so they have a better chance at grabbing moi!

Since, expectedly, the competition will be stiff and otherwise interesting candidates may lose out due to lack of inside info, I have, in a manner that befits my philanthropic nature, come up with some things about me that all intending applicants should be aware of. Be warned that all applicants that fail to studiously consider the following points shall have their applications converted to tissue and used to wipe my black hairy ass after my daily morning devotion in the loo, a habit you shall soon be acquainted with!

Simply put, theretofore, if you intend to plead for my hand in marriage, please note the following:

1. By the laws of average, two useless people cannot be in the same place at the same time. This marriage can therefore only manage one useless partner; that would be me.

2. I spend between 45 minutes and an hour in the toilet every morning, accompanied by a book, and sometimes a cup of coffee. You do not have to understand this daily ritual; just ensure that you do not disturb me.

3. I must have died of electrocution in my last incarnation. Beyond changing a light bulb, I shall not be involved in the repair of any electrical appliance or any other thing that requires fixing in the house. If the generator breaks down, call the gen guy. If light sparks, call the electrician. If the TV, Home Theatre or other appliances suddenly decide not to come on, please believe me when I say I would not know what to do about it. In this matter, and many others, please refer to No. 1 above.

4. I should never catch you ‘tying wrapper’ in the house! No, it’s not that I shall swiftly rip it off your body and dish out a quickie on the ironing board; the sight irritates the hell of me, especially when accompanied with ‘net’ on your head! Jeez!!!

5. Culinary proficiency is not an added advantage; I can cook and you need not be able to. What you must have, however, is the wisdom to accept that we will never live more than 100m from a buka. I am a buka boy and my faith in Ewa Aganyin, Amala, Ewedu, gbegiri, goat meat and Isi Ewu is unequivocal. I insist that these things cannot be cooked in a home. So we shall be spending family time in Bukas. Feel free not to come, no be by force; but don’t try to stop me.

6. I am sworn to a life of beer (Shine, shine bobo, STAR!) and peppersoup (Catfish, Goatmeat, Cowtail, Orisirisi!). Accordingly, my current baby belle shall progressively increase in proportion to my consumption of the above listed. Think of it this way, you’ll have something to rub and lay your hopefully cute head on. See? It’s a win-win situation!

7. With the current global recession, I am more convinced than ever that there should be no romance without finance. Please ensure that you have your own money before you apply. In fact, have enough, or at least be on the way to having enough for the both of us. I intend to retire by 45 at the latest, and I need you to be in top management wherever you work at that time. I wish to spend the rest of my life watching series on Cable, Facebooking, tweeting and writing silly magazine articles, movie scripts that will not be shot, and short stories that no reasonable publisher will touch; the sooner you make mega bucks, the quicker I can get to it. Yes, I am not ashamed, thank you. You will return daily to a well-rested and ready body; “I am too tired…not tonight” shall not be your lot. Again; a win-win situation!

8. Oh, by the way, I shall not be sleeping with you. On the same bed, that is. Or in the same room. One recent study showed that, on average, couples suffer 50% more sleep disturbances if they share a bed. I love my sleep…alone, especially after all the hard work listed in No 7 above. I don’t know one normal man who likes being held while he sleeps. And your head on my chest, with me having to lie on my back all night, is a heavy burden. You shall retreat to your room after the day’s business has been completed.

9. All applicants must ensure that they don’t have old relatives that will expire anytime soon. Buying cows for family funerals isn’t my thing; besides, there’s a recession! However, I shall be willing to donate local fowl, palm oil and bitter leaf, should these deaths be extremely unavoidable.

Knowing that the above listed shall be found extremely agreeable; I eagerly look forward to the tsunami of applications from worthy applicants like you.

Sincerely,

Ihidero.O. Christopher (Chrisbobo)

Husband-in-Waiting