Chris Ihidero Unedited: How to be a Nigerian Newspaper Columnist

By Chris Ihidero

The offer to write a weekly newspaper column is one of the best things that could ever happen to anyone with writing ambitions. You probably will not get better training than the push to deliver a weekly piece. When my chance came eight years ago at the Guardian, thanks to the legendary Jahman Anikulapo, I grabbed it with two hands and I haven’t let go since.

Writing a weekly newspaper column is hard and stressful enough for anyone. Writing one in a Nigerian newspaper takes the stress to often ridiculous levels that defy commonsensical understanding.

If you ever get the chance to become a columnist in a Nigerian publication, note the following:

1. Be careful what you write about God or His men. Nigerians are some of the most religious people on earth. If you must write about God, ensure you are praising Him to high heavens. You can’t question God, whether you believe in Him or not. Worse still, you can’t also question His men. You have never seen an angry Nigerian until you attempt to chastise his/her ‘Man of God’. Flaming nostrils, red eyes, jabbing fingers, venomous spittle and curses will be directed your way by many who will not even bother to actually read what you have written. Bodily harm is quite possibly, too. This reaction has nothing to do with class, comfort or social standing; as long as it’s about ‘Men of God’, many Nigerians leave their thinking faculties at the door.

2. Watch what you say about sex. If you write about sex, ensure that you assert that all sex between Nigerians are done in the missionary position and by married people only. To suggest that pre-marital sex is no big deal; that other sex positions exist; that abstinence is an illusion and masturbation is not a sin is to invite wahala into your life. To merely imply that homosexuality is as natural to some as heterosexuality is to others is to invite wahala+curses+derision+possible violence into your life. We are so pretentiously prudish that but for pregnancies, we wouldn’t publicly admit we have sex at all. Yet, pornography sells in frightening volumes in this country.

3. Write a lot about politics, but make sure you always say PDP is bad and ACN is great. Yes, especially if you are writing in South west Nigeria. My good friend Akin Oyebode, who writes for YNaija, made the colossal error of suggesting that the president may not be as hated as it is perceived and got soundly abused. You must blame the federal government and PDP for everything. It is unimportant that ACN is led by possibly the most corrupt and undemocratic political leader in the country and that Governor Fashola, with all his perceived brilliance has not achieved 10% of what Lateef Jakande achieved in Lagos State almost three decades ago.

4. Do not write about any ethnic group, tribe or culture, except your own. There’s no way on God’s earth you can know anything about the Igbos unless you are one. You cannot speak authoritatively about the Hausas or Fulanis except you speak the language, were born in that part of the country and are an indigene of the place. You can’t comprehend the workings of the Yoruba mind if you are not a descendant of Oduduwa. Forget shared experiences; forget interrogations and illuminating engagements that can lead to knowledge and understanding, even in places where one is a stranger. In Nigeria, it is impossible to have valid opinions about ethnic groups/tribes/cultures you don’t belong to, simple.

5. Write music/movie reviews only in praise. Sing songs of praise to the unworthy; hail to high heavens all pedestrian artistic expressions or be damned. You are a hater if you don’t like a song or film; you should go and make your own song or movie to prove that you are better, they will say. You can’t achieve balance; you were born biased, they will insist. So, unless you wish to call a one-hit wonder a legend, or a starlet a superstar, don’t write reviews. And the readers are not as bad as the artiste: prepare to be ignored forever because of one unfavourable review.

6. If you are not Nigerian, don’t write about Nigeria. You cannot have valid opinions about Nigeria/Nigerians as a foreigner. Even when your opinions are positive, you are at best a patronising Oyinbo who wants to curry favours. Should you dare to write an unfavourable piece on Nigeria/Nigerians, you have merely confirmed your status as a neo-colonialist who doesn’t want Nigeria to be great as a sovereign nation, desiring to have us forever tied to the apron strings of colonial masters. Besides, how is it your problem, you bloody intruder?!

It isn’t all gloom and doom though, there’s the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. There’s a small number of Nigerians who will defend you to death. They will confront these naysayers and point out their myopia to them. They will fight your battles without needing any prodding from you. They are few but they, and your conscience, are perhaps the reason you should never give up or give in to the boisterous crowd.