By Chris Ihidero
CHRIS: [Enters heaven, singing the Lord’s Prayer in Fuji mode] Our our father father/who hath in heaven/ keep on rocking/halloweth be thy name/Orobo kibo…
GOD: [Comes out of his hut, sleepy] Warrisdis?
CHRIS: [Hailing] Baba o! Uncle Goddeh! Mighty and everlasting somborri toh bahd! Oooosheee!
GOD: [Not amused] What are you doing here? Shio. I thought your two left legs had forgotten the way to this place. Oshisko.
CHRIS: Awwww. You have missed me! [Touches His beard] Admit it, don’t be forming God jor…sebi you have missed me?
GOD: [Slaps his hand away] You this boy, is it my bia bia you touched just like that? In fact, who let you in here? Where are all the angels on duty tonight?
CHRIS: Sleeping on duty, like their Nigeria Police brothers! LMAO. Besides, G.O has declared Open Heavens jor.
GOD: I don’t have time for this nonsense this morning. I’ve had a long night and I need to catch some more sleep. Why are you here? Out with it, and fast, or I’m going…
CHRIS: Wait…what manner of long night are we talking about here? I’m beginning to suspect you…I hope you did not camp one seraph in your hut overnight?
GOD: Are you crazy? You think I am like you people?
CHRIS: Well, since you made us in your likeness…
GOD: In fact, come and start going before I lose my temper…
CHRIS: Oya, sorry…you can like to vex over small things sha. Let me ask you the question I came to ask jor…
GOD: Be quick with it!
CHRIS: Is President Goodluck Jonathan of the Federal republic of Nigeria a slowie?
GOD: What?! Buhahahahahahaha!
CHRIS: What’s funny?
GOD: Hehehehehe. LMAO. What kind of question is this so early in the morning? What else can anyone who appoints Reuben Abati as his mouthpiece, relies on other countries to try and convict his countries criminals, cannot sack a minister who EVERYBODY can see has her hands in dirty deals be but a slowie? Biko, tell me what to call that kind of a person if not SLOWIE?
CHRIS: Akin says it is the Star Lager Beer Reuben drinks that makes him do stupid things, like calling someone with 29 followers stupid on Twitter. I think he has been watching Omotola‘s unrealistic reality show and starring too long at her prodigious ass. It is reported that he has a massive crush on her.
GOD: Don’t say ass in front of God!
CHRIS: Sorry sir.
GOD: You can say arse.
CHRIS: Omotola’s prodigious ARSE…sir.
GOD: Good. Back to your slowie president. Did you see him on Amanpour? SMH
CHRIS: I didn’t watch it. My eyes shall not behold iniquity. But I don’t think you should be laughing so hard sir. You had a hand in his ascension to the presidency, after all.
GOD: Me? Me that I was sitting jejely here in heaven? What part did I play in this calamity, pray tell?
CHRIS: You created 160 million people, many of them among the most brilliant people on earth, put them in one of the most fertile spots on the planet, gave them numerous talents and a can-do spirit that is the envy of the world…you now capped it by allowing such a slowie to be their president and you sit there and tell me you had no part to play in this mess? Puhleaseeeee!
GOD: [Jumping up from his seat] Nonsense! Arrant nonsense!! I allowed him to be president? Am I the chairman of the electoral commission?! Did I vote? Did I tell ANYONE who to vote for? Am I Nigerian? Am I a member of PDP or ACN? Did I campaign for him? How the HELL did I allow him to be president?! WTH?!
CHRIS: Wow. Temper temper sir. Don’t go and burst a nerve o.
GOD: In fact, why am I wasting time? [Calling] Michael!
[Angel Michael answers from afar] Sir!
CHRIS: What do you think you’re doing? Didn’t we agree not to involve that area boy in our discussions?
GOD: Oh, it’s Holy Michael you’re calling a tout? You wait…MICHAEL!!!
[Angel Michael appears, bearing his blazing sword.] Sir!!!!
CHRIS: [Takes off, Angel Michael in pursuit…] You do this all the time! When you can’t defend your position fair and square you invoke your tout! [CHRIS and Angel Michael run around GOD in circles]
GOD: [Roaring with laughter, barely able to contain Himself] Wait now, why you dey run? Buhahahaha
CHRIS: To think you’re God! This is so unbecoming. You’re not very different from Nigerian pastors and politicians, you know! [Runs out of heaven]
GOD: Foolish boy. [Enters his hut]
[Angel Michael stands panting, chest heaving and nose flaring Nollywood style]
TO GOD BE THE GLORY.
WE ARE NOTHING BUT PENCILS IN THE HAND OF THE CREATOR
CREDITS ROLL…
THE END
3 comments
Best Nollywood movie of the year! Intriguing. Hilarious. Full of suspense.
Anytime I want some doze of melancholia, I just watch that disheartening interviewer of Mr. President on Amanpour (downloaded) on my laptop.
But is it true that Mr. President has a big crush on Omotola? Maybe they should make a movie together!
Oh my gawd!!!This had me in stitches….I have read it twice & still saving it to read again. This is exactly what my view of Big G is and I am so glad someone else seems to think so too….While I get that this is for fun, I am aware that it takes a deep rich understanding of God & who He is and how He is to do this…..I am so adopting you as my broda….in the Lord!!!
Go to HELL Chris!
Go to hell and interview the devil.
Tehehe!