By Chris Ihidero
Eavesdropping is an art, one that I’ve mastered and practice effortlessly. While wandering through heaven recently, I overheard the following exchange between God and Alani, a visitor.
‘Ha ha, Alani, good to see you again. Quite an age.’
‘Lawmakers in Naija have spent about N523 billion and have only made about 10 useless laws since 1999 and you and I know that they are very corrupt, abi? Good. So I need you to help me assist them in doing a Rho Moo-Hyun, fast!’
‘What’s that?’
‘Come on, don’t play dumb with me! Rho Moo-Hyun? The Ex-Prime Minister of South Korea! The one that jumped to his death from the top of a mountain!! Ha ha!!’
‘Are you asking me to kill people?! Is something wrong with you this boy?! Do you know the consequence of that kind of action?!’
‘Sorry sir, but what’s with all this prevaricating? When people are not useful, should you not save all of us from their uselessness and take them, even if forcefully, into your bosom?!’
‘I am not in the business of killing people. You this boy, take your time o!’
‘I have not asked you to kill anybody; just put the thought in their minds and put Angel Michael on their case, flaming sword in hand. The rest should be easy.’
‘No way. They are my children too, and there’s hope for their souls.’
‘Hope? Hope for Naija politicians? HOPE my black hairy ass, sir!’
‘Jesus! Did you just swear before me?!’
‘Did you just call the name of thy son in vain?!’
‘He’s my son, so shut up! You this boy, you are trying me o! I’ll ask the angels to descend on you o!’
‘It’s lie jo! You that can’t put ordinary mass suicide in the minds of useless politicians now want to descend on innocent citizens. Psssschew, misuse of power!’
‘Oya, come and start going before I wound you. Enough of you for one day!’
‘Sorry sir. But can you at least do this one: See, erm, you know Mr. President has not been feeling so well and he has actually lived beyond the life expectancy of a Nigerian and he has achieved more than he ever dreamt of; I mean, he is President of Nigeria and sebi you too know that he has not been performing and is not going to perform, so rather than put us through this continuous torture of having him in charge, and since we all know that Naija politicos don’t resign, I was wondering if you could just help us…’
Help you do what?! God almighty! You are not asking me to…’
‘I’m just saying…’
This article was first published on Facebook in 2009.
