By Chris Ihidero
Nigerian music concerts are one of a kind. You will not find the likes of them anywhere else on God’s earth. If you have never experienced one, you have no idea what you are missing.
Are you a foreigner? Are you a learner? Are you about to attend a musical concert in Nigeria? Listen up, here are the golden rules of Naija concert etiquette:
1. Respect Sitting Arrangements: Know your place in life and stay there. At no other point will you be reminded of social classes than at Nigerian concerts. The bourgeois sit at tables in front, along with the keeping-up-with-the-joneses crowd who begged and borrowed to be at the concert. The organisers promise them drinks and food at the table but they are lucky if they get small chops and N800 bottle of red wine and bottled water. They paid over a million to be treated poorly and they really don’t mind; at least they are ‘better’ than the crowd behind.
The crowd behind is made up of people like you reading this piece. Hoi polloi who paid too little for their tickets for them to be appreciated by the concert organisers, security or the wannabes in front. In your own interest, don’t cross the boundary. And if you get puff puff and Zobo, be grateful.
2. Don’t Arrive Early: African time takes on a whole new meaning at Nigerian concerts. A people well known for their lateness never organise a concert that will start at the advertised time. Take your time getting dressed. Make Eba and Oha soup, eat and sleep awhile for you will still be kept waiting for at least two hours after the advertised time. When you arrive though, ensure you make a grand entrance even if the show is midway in. You’re Nigerian, remember, and we don’t do small.
3. Let Your Phone Ring and Answer It: If you are at a recital or a performance at, say the Muson Centre, ensure that your ring tone isn’t set to silent. When your phone rings, take your time in answering it and when you do, speak loudly: ‘I AM AT A CONCERT AT THE MUSON CENTRE. YES, THE MUSON CENTRE IN ONIKAN. I WILL CALL YOU LATER‘. You will not be warned to stop or escorted from the venue by security. This is Nigeria and rudeness is encouraged.
4. We Don’t Dance, We Don’t Clap, We Don’t Sing Along: When we pay an artiste to perform in Nigeria, we expect him/her to earn the money. Silly artistes never learn. They keep expecting us to do some part of their jobs for them. To come on stage and start saying: Say oh oh, say yea yea is idiocy that deserves our collective silence. Hey, we know you are singing along from your CD. We know your talent isn’t great. We paid to see you nonetheless so do the needful and put your inconsequential talent to maximum use and stop bothering us. We are playing with our phones, can’t you see?
5. Dress to Kill: It does not matter how big or small the concert is, you must dress up like it’s you wedding day. You have to take pictures on the red carpet. See, Nigerian entertainment blogs and websites were created with no idea of where the content to fill them shall come from, therefore, your red carpet pictures are a must have. You will have the great opportunity of putting yourself at the mercy of their anonymous commenters whose only reason for living is to post caustic comments on your pictures. You should do it anyway; at least someone will be talking about you.
6. Prepare to be shocked: No, you will not be shocked by the performances — unless it’s 2face Idibia or Psquare, it’s basically same day, same shit scenario from majority of them. You will be shocked by minute technical details that still bedevil live performances in Nigeria. Prepare for failed microphones, skipping CDs, vocal and instrumental performances that are not in synchronisation, uncoordinated dancing and electrocution of one or two artistes. You will be shocked.
7. Try Fuji: If you really want to attend a concert devoid of pretension and other annoyances that you witness regularly at Nigerian concerts, especially the ones hosted on the Island, go find a Fuji concert and be wowed. Fuji music is Nigeria’s version of rock music. The music comes to you like water forced through a faucet. The atmosphere is engaging. Alcohol comes in sachets. Everyone is dressed in lace material with a thousand holes. They wear chains that reach the navel. It’s a wild party and dancing is abundant. They don’t care who is watching.
