Ask Tosyn: How Do I Solve My Inferiority Complex Issues?

Hello Tosyn,

I have a problem.

I have a passion for singing but I do not know how to write songs, this gives me constant headaches and makes me want to give up.

What can I do?

Mel

Dear Mel,

Headaches? Because you can’t write songs? No o! Better save your headaches for a sunny afternoon in Lagos!

I suppose it is a Nigerian thing to associate singing with songwriting. These are actually two different genres and occupations! Almost like how ideally there should be a TV host and a production team, a newscaster and scriptwriter, an actor and a screenplay and so on.

If you have a good voice, the next step is to work with producers and songwriters to work with you. You can either get already written songs, or sit with them and tell them what you want to talk about; your message and story. That way, you all can work on something that everybody is happy with.

There are several great singers who do not write all or any of the songs on their albums. Singers do not have to be writers, and songwriters do not have to be singers. They are actually distinct industries on their own.

So have fun Mel! And once you do work with someone, abeg give me the link o!

Hello Tosyn,

I need your help/opinion on inferiority complex.

I get tongue-tied when I am in a crowd. It always looks like I do not know anything. The sad thing is I communicate well through text messages and all but talking is a big issue for me is

I have lost a couple of friends and jobs because of this.

I’ll appreciate a reply.

S

Hey S,

So we come to the talkative for advice about silence issues eh? LOL.

I totally get you when it comes to how being shy or not being able to express yourself can lose you things, or make you feel silly, especially where everyone has an opinion and you are just quiet.

I will tell you this little secret though. Those of us who talk a lot admire those of you who stay silent. And we always think you are so smart that you saving your wisdom and thinking of deep things.

So that is one advantage! And I will tell you right now; stop feeling stupid! The people around you think or know you are wise!

Concerning being shy, I know it might be hard to believe but it is a battle I fight as well. I have learnt to put my head up even though all I ever want to do is hide and keep it down. I have learnt to speak up even though I always feel everything I say will sound stupid. Practise with a small set of people. And then expand.

You should know that I am not a fan of trying to change people. I do not necessarily want to force you to be the most outgoing person in a group. If you read Bible stories, you would see that Moses told God he wasn’t great at speaking and he got Aaron to go with him.

If you have lost friends because you communicate better with written words, then I doubt they were friends to begin with.

As for jobs, how about trying professions and industries that appreciate your strengths? Advert agencies for example have teams so if you can be the creative writer, you do not necessarily have to do the pitching!

Also, try these tips

– Don’t tell people you are shy. (Unless you are ASKing TOSYN of course). Don’t apologize.

There is a tendency to try to explain yourself to people and be sorry. Remember, there is nothing wrong with you! Besides, starting a conversation with ‘I am shy’ or being defensive puts walls up immediately!

– Practise.

Start with family and close friends. Then push outside your comfort zone gradually

– Have conversation topics!

Saw something on CNN last night? Heard Tosyn say something on the radio? Read something on Net? File them, understand them, and use them! These are great conversation starters for you to work with!

– Focus on social skills that work with your strengths

Play a musical instrument! Write novels or a blog! Do online pr! Learn to draw! Do things that do not necessarily need you to talk to people.

Trust me, when we check a painting out, we are not concerned about how well the artist speaks, but how his work speaks to us

–  Be Yourself!

For while you are praying to be someone else, someone else is praying to be you!

In the meantime, keep sending those mails in 

asktosyn@thenetng.com