A Decent Proposal: End Poverty; Eat the Children of the Poor!

By Chris Ihidero

What sight is more cringe-worthy than seeing a female beggar with children in tow? What can possibly be more riling than having these beggars lay their wretched fingers on your car window, their miserable voices sipping through and disturbing your thoughts as you suffer the indignity of Lagos traffic? Really, isn’t life hard enough for those of us who are truly living to be constantly assaulted by the living dead?! Personally, I have had enough! No more sights of children with ribs threatening to burst through dead skin, rotten teeth and lice infested hair; no more infants suckling the frail mother’s milk-less tits and gazing into nothingness with empty eyes. No more! These people can bear to have sex? What effrontery!

Let us be reasonable and agree that the number of children walking the streets begging is a national disgrace. As we intensify efforts to turn places like Lagos into megacities, it’s necessary for the truly humane amongst us to find a solution to this eyesore. Here is where I come in. My wandering mind has berthed at a fair, cheap and easy method of making these children beneficial to society. This method will ensure that society extracts some good from these otherwise useless souls who, as successive governments and we all have shown, cannot be fed, sheltered or provided with basic human needs. We may sometimes give them the dirty N10 note but who really cares how they live, or die? Politicians may employ their fathers and elder brothers and sisters who have moved on to petty stealing and shack-shag prostitution, but after elections, of what use are they?

May I then humbly lay before you, ladies and gentlemen, my honourable proposal for preventing the children of poor people in Nigeria from being a burden to their parents and country and for making them beneficial to the public:

I have been assured by a knowing nutritionist and wellness expert that a young healthy child, well nourished, at a year old, is a most delicious, nourishing and wholesome meal, whether stewed, roasted, baked or boiled.

Before all you purists turn your noses up in disgust, you need to see the picture that I see: think of grilled baby feet on a bed of lettuce, garnished with onion rings and served with fries; think of baby brains whipped to a smooth paste and used as a topping; think marinated babyribs dipped in tomato sauce…do you get the picture now? Think of the contents of a baby’s stomach properly cleaned and served as Orisirisi!

I have properly thought through the process of getting these babies to table size. At birth, the babies are taken from their mothers who exist as breeders and kept in cages on a breeding farm. We need to have just about 150, 000 per year for this scheme.  They are then fed a diet high in protein and low in everything else, much like broiler chicken. Fat thighs, chubby cheeks and plump arms are assured. They should be ready for cultivation at about 10kg.

I am, of course, not unmindful of the fact that only people in government, the rich and the pretentious middle class will be able to afford the delicacies made from the carcass of the babies in restaurants on Victoria Island and such places. This is not a problem, as it is the responsibility of a select few to rescue society, and if it the rescue has to come in the form of the consumption of children of the hoi polloi, so be it! We are not altogether a nation of gluttons; therefore, a few parts of the carcass need to be spared for higher purposes. For instance, we may use the skin of the babies to make Infant Leather slippers, watchstraps and Blackberry pouches. Imagine the shine of well-polished baby skin.

The success of this scheme would ensure that the poor are no longer an eyesore on our streets. All states should feel free to copy this scheme; freely has it been given unto me to make the world a better place and freely I shall give of my genius. The money made from the scheme can be used for gargantuan projects like the 10-lane expressway currently being constructed from the airport in Abuja into the FCT; those who already have good roads always need better ones.

There can be no reasonable objection to this decent proposal. I have thought hard and long, and this is the cheapest, easiest and most decent way of tackling poverty. The alternative would be too hard to consider: who really wants equitable distribution of wealth? Who wants economic justice? Who desires government policies that will give all citizens a chance to have a decent life? I mean, can we really live with ourselves without the poor and needy reminding us how blessed we are? Who shall sing our praises when everyone has a life worthy of mention? Things are as they should be; some people have all the way, some people live by the day, some people look to the sky. It can’t be everyone’s turn.

Well then, dinner is served. First Course: Succulent baby-bone and Crunchy babyfingers peppersoup, spiced with Utazi leaves. Main Course: Sauteed babyfingers and babythighs in sweet and sour sauce, served with special fried rice. Dessert: Chocolate cookie crumbles, topped with fluffy whipped babybrains.

Bon Appétit.

P.S: You may find something similar written by a Swifty Irish character in 1729; the idea has always been mine. He stole it from me in an earlier incarnaaation. That’s my story.

This article was first published by the author as a Facebook note.