7 Things I’d Like To See In 2012

So it’s a new year again. In reality, it’s just another date. But since this global excuse for festivity has stuck like a mouse on glue, one may as well pretend that this has significance beyond ageing. Far be it from me to suggest that New Year resolutions are made only by those who are incapable of making worthy adjustments to their existence at any time, and therefore, need false commencement points like a new year. Pathetic.

Anyways, not to be left out (lest one be seen as being aloof) of this,  the following are some of the things I really would like to see in 2012:

DISTRIBUTION

I’d like to see someone tackle the distribution demon to the ground and slay it. Come on guys, it can’t be that hard. Beyond recharge cards and drinks, perhaps, nothing is properly distributed in this country. Isn’t it ridiculous that there are 150m of us yet our magazines can hardly sell two thousand copies and our musicians have to resort to lies when asked how many copies their albums have sold on BET. Surely, there must be someone with a solution to this malady. Yes, it will cost some billions but I promise you, your grand-children will not have to work, ever! Mr. Dangote, surely can do something about this…nagode!

NOLLYWOOD

I’d like to see someone do something about Nollywood in 2012. See people, that baby will be 20 years old in 2012…and it is still crawling. I know the solution will include tying large concrete stones to the necks of those in charge of the Nigerian Film Corporation, the Nigerian Copyright Commission and the National Film and Video Censors Board and throwing them into the lagoon, but can someone get to it quickly?! Thank you. Ghana, Kenya and other upstarts are catching up and surpassing us by the day while practitioners and policy makers keep their mouths wide open for some silly government grant to fall in. Utterly ludicrous!

READING

I’d like everyone that utters such nonsense as ‘Nigerians don’t read‘ to fall down and die immediately, in MFM fashion. Reading is reading, whatever the form. Reading tweets is reading. Reading blogs is reading. Reading subtitles of Russian porn is reading. Reading subtitles of Yoruba movies is reading. Reading seven different versions of the bible is reading. Reading City People is reading. Reading the soiled paper the puffpuff came in is reading. Leave us alone, all you pretentious intellectuals who want to kill us with your lousy books. The reason your books don’t sell is because we don’t like them, not because we don’t read, capisce?!

YOUTH ACTIVISTS

I’d like to see ‘youth activists’ get a job, like a real freaking job. Yes, that was the bestseller of 2011: Do painfully little, get on the bandwagon of youth activism, get some attention from youth-wannabe minister and special advisers, become  SA on fufu pounding or bitterleaf plucking to the mini-star or SA, dump activism and jump on the dumb bandwagon of propaganda and congratulate yourself on finally doing something with your life. Naija is still not lit but that’s no longer up on your list of concerns; activism has paid multiple dividends, time to move on. But your end? Dead end.

FUEL SUBSIDY

It is not going to happen, but you can’t stop a man from dreaming, can you? I’d like to see the removal of fuel subsidy become the catalyst for the much awaited revolution. Yeah I know, wishful thinking. But think about it for moment: Fuel subsidy is removed, no palliatives, suffering escalates, we get on the streets, we wield no dangerous weapon but our steadfastness is rock solid, our voices are heard all over the world, they crush us but we keep coming on, they try to bribe our youth leaders and they throw the bribes back in their faces…okay, here’s where you sing the dreamer song for me. You can’t blame me for trying though. *Heavy Sigh*

COMMENTS

I’d like to see something debilitating happen to people who leave hideous anonymous comments on blogs and websites, especially the Linda Ikeji and Nairaland types. Actually, just the Linda Ikeji types will do. Something like rapture occurring and taking just them to the pits of hell. Or incurable measles descending on their mouths and fingers…or advanced-and-no-longer-treatable staphylococcus. Something to pay them back for the pain they have caused so many people with their vile and spineless comments. Why evools?

HALLE BERRY

I’d like to see Halle Berry loved by someone who can be called a man. I mean, this was a divine assignment for me but with this woman’s Igbo juju working on me and that getting married business, I fear Halle’s only chance of true happiness may be slipping by. I’d like to see her lips kissed by someone (which should have been me) from whose mouth no lie shall come forth. I’d like to see her boobs held by hands (which should have been mine) that will hold her tight and comfort her. I’d like to see a pair of eyes (mine, originally) gaze at her with respect and adoration, and a reassurance that all will be well. I need someone worthy to do this so all thoughts of taking a second wife or cheating on the Igbo girl can flee from my mind! *Double sigh*

Oh, did I wish you guys a Happy New Year yet? No? Sod it!

Have a great one!