There were a couple of discussions among young Nigerians on domestic violence. According to the story, a man rained blows on his wife while they sat in a locked car.
All attempts to get the woman to escape proved abortive. The abused woman wanted the physical assault to stop but she didn’t look like she wanted to leave.
Quite a number of commenters on Twitter swore to leave at the first sign of spousal abuse. Others said they would advise their friends to leave such relationships. A lot of tweets and retweets were done by people on Twitter with the aim of speaking up against domestic violence. There was quite a groundswell of support for actions such as ‘walking away at the first slap’.
The reality is that words and actions are often dissimilar. Spousal abuse usually takes place within the complex framework called marriage which involves a lot of vested emotions, time and interests. Two people that have pledged to live happily ever after are not easily undone like pieces of Lego that can be stuck and unstuck in a minute.
A series of dilemmas are involved when Domestic Violence happens and this piece serves to bring them to light. There are many complex circumstances surrounding domestic violence but only a few of them are shown below. It assumes that the man is the abuser and they are Christians.
The first dilemma is that of the expectation of marriage placed on young ladies in our society. At a certain age, young ladies are expected to show evidence of preparing for marriage. Parents, churches, society at large have a pre-conceived framework in which the young lady’s life is supposed to progress.
More often than not, this framework is a progression from education to employment and then to marriage. While Education and Employment can sometimes be the responsibility of parents or guardians, marriage is something the lady has to have happen or make happen.
If the lady is a Christian, she ends up in the singles or youth fellowship. Her graduation from this fellowship will only happen when she gets married. All her professional and social achievements in life are made irrelevant in the face of questions like ‘is she married’?
It doesn’t matter if the lady is employee number 10 in Google or a trusted advisor to Prof. Stephen Hawkings. At a certain age, her purpose is made irrelevant because she is supposed to be concentrating on ‘getting married’.
Snide comments are made by everyone around such ladies with the aim of hacking away at their self-esteem. Life changing decisions are often made by young ladies in the face of endless pressure from around them.
The second dilemma in this situation is that of foresight. There is an increasing awareness about the realities of spousal abuse. Radio, T.V programs, blogs are filled with stories of domestic violence. Usually when these sad stories break out, people blame the abused person for not seeing the signs.
There is a belief that signs of violence are always seen before marriage but are ignored. This may be true in some cases but untrue in others. The illusion is that if a lady attains an elevated place of spiritual awareness, she would be able to foresee bad behavior on the part of her partner. These ideas do not take into cognizance the fact that we are human.
Humans are imperfect beings that have their frailties. They are not perfect statistical models that can predict the future with utmost certainty. The realization that people are predisposed to believing the best about others holds true. A history of violence before marriage should be acted upon but when there is no behavioral evidence, things become complicated.
Another dilemma in this situation comes into play when the Violence starts. It is not possible to develop a universal narrative for the onset of Domestic Violence. However, it is possible to map out a few trends. The abused party usually experiences a wide range of emotions that include shock, disbelief, sadness and depression. These feelings are the same across all individuals and do not depend on ethnic backgrounds, social status or level of education.
These feelings of despondency are often amplified if children are involved in the relationship. Juggling the duties of motherhood with that of being a wife can be quite daunting for most ladies. When the pain of physical abuse is added to the equation, things tend to become extremely complex. Unending questions begin to surface.
Some of these are –Do you walk away from your home?, Do you walk away from your neighborhood ?, Will he allow you to take the kids? What will the parents say?, What will the Pastor say? These questions have no straightforward answers.
In an ideal world, women would be able to end such a relationship immediately and pick up from where they left off without skipping a beat. The reality is that such decisions are not easily made. They are often delayed until outside counsel is sought.
The first destination for outside counsel could be friends of the couple. Friends of the couple are usually not immediately informed by the abused party. This is due to the fact that she may be going through some period of shock and shame.
She may even deny if she is confronted by her friends. The effect of the abuse on her countenance and physical appearance usually acts as a give-away. The friends are in a dilemma of sorts when both parties are known to them.
They find it hard to believe that their friend has turned into a pugilist. They think back to their days in school and cannot find any evidence pointing out what he has now become. They find the news hard to comprehend.
If the situation involved strangers, they would have dished out quick solutions such as ‘Carry your stuff and leave’ or ‘Call in the Police’. Familiarity with the couple in the throes of domestic violence puts them in an impossible situation. They are afraid that any intervention could destroy their association with the couple.
Another destination for outside counsel involves the parents. Parents tend to believe that a lot of issues experienced by young couples are teething problems that they will outgrow. They are often unable to recognize the difference between a teething problem and an existential problem that will alter the direction of the marriage.
Once this realization is made, the parents are put in a dilemma. All the subsequent entreaties are directed at the wife. She is told to be patient, gentle, loving and caring. She is told tales of marriages that had a rough beginning but a joyful end. The young lady often realizes that parents are very conscious of their place in society.
They do not want to be seen as encouraging the breakdown of a marriage that involves one of their own. They do not want the shame of receiving the daughter back into their home. Thus, they give her the most suitable advice they can give.
The next level of consultation involves religious authorities. The lady reports her experiences tp the Pastor or his wife. The dilemma begins when the Pastor or Pastor’s wife puts it under the Broad category called ‘Marital Problems’.
This category is quite huge and includes many other problems. The problem with this type of categorization is that the Pastor often has tailor-made solutions to these problems. He gives the abused lady a list of books to read, prayers to pray and songs to sing.
In some cases, she is asked to embark on a period of Prayer and fasting. The man comes into the picture if he has some sort of responsibility in the church. In that case, the Pastor warns him of his behavior. The Pastor is hampered by the fact that if the abusive man is confronted with the truth, he may take his family away from that church.
Thus the woman is put through endless spiritual exercises while the abuser with his normal life. The Pastor almost never asks the abused party to move away from the abuser because the bible does not provide such a precedent.
Recent incidents have shown that some of these Pastors are putting their wives through some sort of abuse. An abusive Pastor cannot provide any lasting solution to the problems of an abusive couple attending his church
Another dilemma is what I call the Proverbs 31 dilemma. Proverbs is a book in the bible which was said to have been written by King Solomon. The 31st Chapter contains about 22 verses which describe qualities of ‘The Virtuous Woman’.
These verses form the ideal to which ladies are expected to aspire. A lot of books have been written and messages have been preached about these verses. Churches do not refrain from placing the weight of expectation on female shoulders.
While there is nothing wrong in asking ladies to seek to become better, pushing a checklist of qualities at them will only lead to feelings of discontent and inadequacy.
Ironically, there is no equivalent list or standard for the male folks. The women are supposed to aspire to perfection while men can do as they wish.
The final dilemma that will be mentioned involves the man who is often the abuser in many situations. Our society expects the man to be ‘the man’. The popular definitions of manhood often stem from age-old misconceptions about the roles of gender in society.
A ‘real man’ is expected to be tough and not show any signs of weakness. The reality is that a lot of men have problems that can be described as mental ones. They suffer from panic attacks, crippling fears and mood swings. Psychological instability and mental health issues are rife among men.
Unfortunately, we live in a society in which mental health care is frowned upon. You do not want anybody thinking you are a psychiatric patient. Men seem not to be able to deal with these issues and do not get external help. Some of these problems can be solved with the aid of therapy or some sort of psychological intervention.
There are some things that ‘hanging out with the boys’ cannot fix. seeking professional help can help most men to get their minds and temperaments in the right place and prevent them from lashing out with their fists.
In the midst of these dilemmas, many ladies are suffering at the hands of abusive partners. They are often left with impossible choices because of the way society is structured.
It is necessary to help them to make the most of their lives in spite of societal contradictions and religious implications. Being alive and well should be the most important consideration in all situations of abuse. Pastors, parents and friends have to be made to realize that the ‘Marital Problem’ of today may lead to a funeral service tomorrow.
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