On Big Brother Amplified, Karen and Dele Momodu

By Chris Ihidero

(Singing rather loudly and dancing galala)

‘If you see my mama, hosanna, tell am say o, hosanna, I dey with Karen, hosanna, I no get problem, hosanna!’

‘This is quiet ludicrous; you really should stop. At your age, this foolery is very unbecoming.’

(Gazes at him, ‘side-eyes’ him, increases the volume and quickens the galala)

‘SHAME TO BAD PEOPLE! SHAME TO BAD PEOPLE!! KAREN IS THE WINNER, SHE NO GET PROBLEM, HOSANNA!!!’

‘Much ado about nothing. I don’t see how someone winning Big Brother Amplified has any worthy cause for such extravagant celebrations, I mean; this is something that demands no intellectual investment whatsoever. It’s quite amazing to see the likes of you getting fussy over nothingness.’

‘Thank you! Ode oshi, be there and be speaking English while poverty continues to embrace you like a long-lost friend. Karen has $200,000; do you know how much that is in naira? N32, 000. 000. 00! More money than you have ever seen in your wretched life; and she made it in 91 days. What good thing have you ever done in 91 days of your life, ehn? Tell me na, otondo! And here you were a couple of weeks ago, saying that Karen bought her boobs at ASDA.  (Dramatically rolls eyes, pushes tongue out, slaps buttocks and roars with laughter in quick successions.)

‘I did not opine that she purchased her breasts at ASDA. I only stated, matter-of-factly, that she acquired the said pair of breasts from a source other than God’s holy moulding hands.’

(Clapping like a market woman) Whatever! Shio! What is important is that Karen is now an important person in the world, fake boobs, razzness, biabia or not! Where Karen can enter now, you can’t even go near. She will soon have lunch with Mr. President and rub shoulders with important people while you and your yeye intellectual pretentions will park well for one corner.’

‘I see that this is an important victory for you and those who find fulfilment in such idiocies like locking up 26 young adults in a house for 91 days and rewarding them for doing absolutely nothing meaningful. Do you realise what worthy contributions they could have made to the polity in that time frame if properly engaged? I am nonplussed by the sheer waste of human and material resources that shows like Big Brother encourage. For crying out loud, there’s a war in Libya, a famine in Somalia and an accidental president in Nigeria and you dedicate 3 months of your life to BBA?! One is totally flummoxed by this kind inanity!’

(Puts hands on head) ‘Ah, mo gbe! This boy has gone mad o! Is it on top BBA matter you speak this kind of English? Is your life so sad? Do you find no joy in living? I mean, must everything make intellectual sense? You have issues with a show that has given a child with such an unfortunate past like Karen a second chance?  Where else would someone like Karen have found another opportunity to make something of her life? Isn’t this what this reality shows do, give people a chance at success? There will always be wars and famine somewhere in the world, and we are stuck with our accidental president for at least four years…does that mean we should turn our boxers to bandanas? Or bras to catapults?

‘Oh, blimey! So Big Brother is now an altruistic project that is set up to save the world?  How convenient!  I have got news for you: for anyone to giveaway $400, 000, he/she must have made millions of dollars as profit. That is the way the world works, you simpleton!’

‘Can’t you see that see we just want to have fun sometimes and we don’t need a lecture? Even a former presidential candidate can see that.’

‘Please don’t go there, don’t even get me started on that one.’

‘Don’t go where? Don’t get you started on what?’

‘I think a ‘former presidential candidate’ should actually be someone who contested the elections with the intention to win.

‘Ah, are you saying the former Bashorun was a clown? That he had no plans of winning?  That he knew he would never win but contested all the same?’

‘Are you seriously asking me that question? I’m glad you noticed that the Bashorun garb seems to have been dropped; I guess it has served its purpose. And truth be told, that was a well-written article…but aren’t politicians supposed to be busy doing something…like building a firm base in preparation for the next elections, you know, strategising? ‘

‘And who told you he’s not doing all of that? Bashorun Momodu is beyond those professional politicians whose main purpose in life is to practice politics at all cost, until it begins to yield dividends. He’s a respected journalist and he has gone back to his true calling.’

‘He should please stay with his true calling, whatever that is. To be a presidential candidate one day, however pretentious, and blubber the next day cannot be the stuff presidents are made of. Imagine the sight: He sits in front of the television set watching Karen’s chat room session, his hands on his head and a torrent of tears gushing out of his eyes, in concurrent flow with Karen’s blubbing…no, not presidential at all! I will take accidental Jonah any day.’

‘I am done with you. Surely you are beyond redemption. I pray God has mercy on your soul. To make fun of former Bashorun Momodu’s ability to retain his humbling humanity in spite of his many successes in life is sheer wickedness.’

‘God’s speed. I am equally tired of your convoluted reasoning, if one can even call it that. Humility my black hairy ass!’

*Ihidero is a Lagos-based writer and filmmaker. He can be reached via chris@thenetng.com