Nigerian Dating and Sex Code (Part 1)

By Chris Ihidero

Even in these days of subsidy removal, deregulation and budgetary amendments, some things must still remain sacrosanct. Sex is one of them. While re-reading my copy of Helen Fielding’s Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason during the week, I found her attempts at prescribing a code of dating practise very interesting. Trust my rapidly degenerating mind to wander and imagine what a Nigerian sex and dating code would look like. A quick search reassures me that, like many other really serious issues, the National Assembly is once again lagging behind in putting in place a code on something as crucial as sex.

So, here I am, in all my magnanimity, taking it upon my humble self to selflessly provide a worthy Code of Conduct for all responsible citizens.

Should you desire to shower me with unreserved praises for this live-saving and order-ensuring intervention, don’t bother. It is my civil duty as a concerned Nigerian, the least I can do for my dear country!

1) All citizens in a relationship beyond 3 years or 1000 rounds of sex, whichever comes first, must be declared to be in a COMMITTED relationship. To refrain from committing to a partner after going on together for years is…erm, immoral!

2) When citizens shag other citizens apart from the citizen they are in a relationship with, citizens are at liberty to lie about this act(s). However, should this act(s) be discovered with EMPIRICAL EVIDENCE, citizens MUST tell the truth for it would be wrong to lie.

3) Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus shall become a required text for all citizens, preferable at primary school level. This allows both armies to arm themselves for the battle ahead.

4) Wedding ceremonies are declared unnecessary forthwith. Citizens shall reserve the right to live together and shag forever without the prerequisite ceremony and all its pretensions of grandeur. A mere declaration of shagging intent by both parties involved shall be sufficient for eternal cohabitation. For example: Man/Woman: ‘I would like to shag you forever.’, Man/Woman: ‘Me too.’ Deal is done.

5) All ALIENS (read: Koras, Chinese with yellow buck-tooth, low-level Caucasians of all types, Eastern Europeans included) shall desist from parading indigenous female citizens at clubs and bar, to the chagrin of their fellow Nigerians! Failure to comply shall lead to a revocation of their work permit (which they don’t have in the first place since obviously no one needs those things inNigeria) and summary deportation.

6) All female citizens shall NOT change their minds about shagging right in the middle of the act. They must follow through due process and complete what they    started as this would conform to the rule of law. However, this may be allowed AFTER male citizen has been seen to have clenched his teeth, squeezed his face, call out a name or simply declare: I HAVE COME.

7) All citizens shall not grow pubic hair beyond the prescribed 2 inches. Anything beyond this shall require invasion by NAFDAC, with a lawn-mower.

8.) All citizens shall reserve the right to be HOMOSEXUAL if they so desire. However, all homosexual citizens must inform non-homosexual citizens they are about to get married to of their status. This is a MUST as we must save society from its own pretensions!

9) All citizens must refrain from employing appellations of the divine while shagging. All groans and cries made while shagging must not include the     following: ‘Oh God, oh God! Oh loooord! Sweet Jesus! Allahu Akbar! Jehovah! Eledumare oooo!! Chineke moooooo!!!‘ We are one nation under God and            therefore must desist for all abuse of the divine.

10) All male citizens must refrain from pushing the heads of female citizens downwards, towards their mid-riff, 30seconds after kissing commences. One           minute is the standard time. However, all male citizens must reciprocate the gesture as selfishness is inimical to true societal advancement.

God bless the Federal Repubic of Nigeria. 

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