My Interview with Yar'Adua…and Turai’s Interruption

By Chris Ihidero

A day after receiving my invitation to see President Yar Adua, I arrived at the Presidential Villa in Aso Rock some minutes past midnight. My arrival was clandestine; I had been warned that enemies of progress abound, so I had to be careful. I was picked up by some men dressed totally in black, wearing dark shades at night and driving black jeeps. They said nothing to me other than ‘Let’s go!’ I wondered briefly if this was how my predecessors, the Imams and Pastors, had been treated.

The room was totally dark, except for light coming from candles littered all over the room: red, yellow, blue, green and black. I could hardly make out the shape of the president where he lay, on something that looked like a camp bed. It also looked like a stretcher. As far as I could see, no cables were attached to him and there was no support machine in sight. However, the room was very smoky, as incense burned from its’ four corners. Smoke also came from the stick of cigarette the president held between fingers on his left hand. He also had a small piece of kolanut in the corner of his mouth.

I sat quietly on a stool beside him.

ME: Good evening Your Excellency. Thank you for the invitation

Yar Adua: (In a very clear voice) Who invited you? Who are you?

ME: I got a call on your behalf, sir. I am a layabout and the cabal deemed it fit to make me next in line after the Imams and Pastors. It’s great to see that you are actually talking. The Imams said you grunted and the pastors said you merely mouthed ‘Amen’

Yar Adua: Imams and pastors were here? What did they want?

ME: They came to pray for you sir.

Yar Adua: Pray for me? Why?

ME: Madam and the cabal felt that you were taking too long to come around since they smuggled you back into the country to re-ascend the throne of your forefathers, Nigeria’s presidency.

Yar Adua: I have told Turai that impatience is a bad thing, she won’t hear! That woman is a stubborn she-goat! I will come back when I’m good and ready. When I was away for months, did the country collapse? Nigeria is a country that can run itself without unnecessary interference from government.

ME: So how is your health now sir?

Yar Adua: Perfect.

ME: Perfect?

Yar Adua: Yes, perfect. There’s been nothing wrong with me all this while, really. I just wanted to know those that truly love me, so I pretended to be suffering from a cocktail of diseases. Now I know my real friends, people like Aondoaaka, who can practically die for me.

ME: Wow, What a smart thing to do! Now that this all important experiment is over, what next?

Yar Adua: I am going on a quick trip soon; when I return, we shall sort things out properly.

ME: You are going to return?

Yar Adua: (Takes a long drag of the cigarette, blows smoke rings and declares in his best imitation of Terminator) I WILL BE BACK!

As I made to ask if he plans to return dead or alive, Madam Turai sauntered in, dressed to the teeth in silk and gold. I turned to her, smiling.

TURAI: (Pretending not to know who I was) Minini?

ME: (Pretending not to understand) Say what?

TURAI: (aggressively) Who are you? What is going on here? What is the meaning of this?

ME: I’m the one you invited to prove to Nigerians, especially people like Soyinka, that spousal abuse is not going on here, that whatever you are doing is for the good of the country, and that it is your enemies that want to spoil your bad name by spreading all these evil rumours, and that Allah, in his infinite mercies, will descend upon all of them with incurable measles.

TURAI: Walahi, so shall it be! I don’t know what they want from me! If they were in my shoes, what would they have done?! I should sit back and watch my husband die and not fulfil his destiny? Do you hear the names they are calling me? Me, Lady Macbeth?  Ashewo to re Mecca? Can you see how they are ridiculing my husband every day in the papers? People like Tolu Ogunlesi of NEXT? Walahi lai talai, I will deal with that boy. By the way, do you know him?

ME: No, not at all. I have never heard of him.

TURAI: It doesn’t matter anyway. I will find him when I am ready for him. One thing is for sure; this thing is not going to end like they all think. I have surprises yet unseen in this nation’s history. Let anyone be there fooling himself that he’s acting whatever he thinks he’s acting, we know those who are running things. So baa wahala. Bye!

And she stormed out.

I turned to Mr President and a transformation had occurred: The kolanut and cigarette were gone. The candles were now as big as tree trunks. A few mullahs sat in corners muttering prayers.  He was hooked to about four machines, with tubes coming out of everywhere. An oxygen mask was fixed to his face. A bag of drip, containing Kunu, was passed through a tube by one side of his mouth. Another bag, this one containing Zobo, was passed in through the other side of his mouth. A third, containing a mixture of garlic and ginger, was passed to his anus. I guess that was for colon cleansing. He lay still; the heaving of chest was the only visible movement.

I left the room quietly, heavily depressed.

At the door, I was handed a fat brown envelope and reassured that it was only slightly lighter than what the pastors and imams got. I guess irreligious people are a couple of steps lower than the clergy on the food chain.