By Chris Ihidero
When one thinks of the Alaafin of Oyo, one naturally does not think of the women in his harem.
This is not just because such thoughts may be sacrilegious, but also because one would have expected that the Alaafin’s Oloris would be women quite advanced in age, seeing that the Alaafin is 76 years old. And even if they were young, the Alaafin’s Oloris aren’t expected to be the possessors of the kind of swag that has left quite a few people gaping. I am happy to report that we have all been very wrong.
Pictures of the Alaafin of Oyo and four of his wives waiting for a flight and strolling around a shopping mall in London surfaced online last week. Decked in the same fabric, paying homage to the proud ‘and co’ tradition of Yoruba people, the Oba and his wives were a sight to behold.
The picture at the mall was more interesting for me. The Oba is in the middle, flanked on both sides by two wives each. The five of them are fair-skinned. Enemies of progress have alleged that the Oba and his wives are partakers in the art of bleaching. As one whose mother is a proud daughter of Yorubaland, such blasphemy will not pass through my mouth. Safe to say Alaafin knows what he wants and whoever is in charge of recruiting his women needs a raise.
Is it permitted for one to lust after the wife of an Oba in Yorubaland? I found myself rather drawn to one of Alaafin’s wives, the one farthest to his left. Her swag is massive. Take a good look at the picture. Her gait suggests that she does not give a hoot about any royalty, that she can’t be bothered by the charade. Perhaps she’s thinking of another man? Another lover? Me? She’s looking away (my way?) in the picture, longing for freedom. Awwww, come home baby!
Her cheeks are rosy, her red lips pouty and very kissable. While I cannot say for sure, the rosebuds on her chest look pretty perky, not like mounds that have been destroyed by the callous hands of a 76 year old. It could be the work of a ‘costay,’ but I have faith. Did you also notice that her yellow looks the most original of all of them? Such a lovely Olori. She can’t be a day older than 21, which, as God would have it, is exactly my age. We were made for each other.
In my mind, the Alaafin is a reincarnation of Baroka in Soyinka’s The Lion and the Jewel, and the wily old lion has cornered another Sidi. But I am no Lakunle; I’m not a popinjay. I shall fight for what is mine.
I fit die on top your matter eh baby o, I fit die on top your matter ehhh baaabyy o Baby girl God bless you mother eh, bless your father… I fit die on top your matter ehhhhhhhhhh baaaaabyyyyy oooooooo
Fraud at Mugg & Bean
All the people at the Ikeja City Mall outlet of Mugg & Bean need to be rounded up quietly and locked up in a dingy hole somewhere far away.
The keys should then be thrown away into one of those equally dingy rivers beneath one of those pathetic bridges that take you into Lagos Island. They should be forgotten in that shit-hole forever. What nonsense!
Have you been to Mugg & Bean at ICM? Did you ask for a cappuccino or latte? Or tea? Did you specifically ask for a small cup? Were you told it was unavailable at that time? Did you then ask for a medium cup? Were you then equally informed that a medium cup was also unavailable? Was that followed up with the earth-shattering news that the small and medium cups were unavailable because somehow they had run out of stock? Did you wonder how exactly an international brand like Mugg & Bean can run out of cups it uses to sell their coffee at exorbitant prices, which you had resolved to pay in spite of your conviction that they were bleary-eyed first born sons of capitalist devils? Did the waiter then proudly inform you that, should you still want to have a cappuccino, large cups were available at N700, but there are no covers for the cups in case you were thinking of a takeaway? Did you tell them that it was grossly irresponsible of them not to be able to track their needs and make plans for restocking, and then left? Only to return TWO WEEKS later and be told exactly the same things? Welcome to the club.
I am convinced beyond any doubt, reasonable or otherwise, that the folks at Mug & Bean are intentionally hiding small and medium cups and thereby forcing customers to buy large cups of tea and coffee. This is fraudulent. They wouldn’t do this in any society where customer service is taken seriously. There must be something about Nigeria that suggests that the customer can be taken for granted. Well, not this customer. For as long as Mugg & Bean continues this fraudulent practice, I shall write about it. If I cannot dedicate this column to their lousy customer service, I shall tweet about it and scream on Facebook. I hope they know that he who steals a poor man’s fowl should be ready to be spoken about ceaselessly.
Oh btw, their chicken wrap and banana muffins are deliciously heavenly!
Their customer service still sucks!!!
