Confession: The Three People I Will Never Forgive

By Chris Ihidero

Heaven. Early evening. Chris walks in and notices God dozing on a reclining chair under a tree.

CHRIS: (Tapping GOD) Ah ah, whatever happened to ‘He that watches over you neither sleeps, nor slumbers?!’

GOD:  Guy, I tire abeg. It’s been a long day. The Haiti issue is still on and now Chile has happened. It’s a lot of work man.

CHRIS: And Uganda too.

GOD: Uganda? What happened in Uganda?

CHRIS: Ah, didn’t you hear that 80 people died, over 400 missing? Landslide.

GOD: Really? I didn’t see it on CNN o. And the major media outfits didn’t carry it too.

CHRIS: Apparently, African disasters are a dime a dozen.  And only 400 people are missing, so… and no European or American lives are involved. Whatever! That’s not why I’m here anyway.

GOD: I was going to ask when you suddenly became concerned about stuff like that. Why are you here?

CHRIS: I need to make a couple of confessions.

GOD: And why didn’t you do that with the priests and all on earth?

CHRIS: You know I don’t like coming to you through third parties. I like direct contact. It’s how you made me.

GOD: True. Oya, shoot.

CHRIS: There are three of your children I cannot forgive for the evil they did to me and I need you to refuse their pleas for forgiveness when they come here on judgement day.

GOD: Evil? That’s a strong word and you normally avoid such extremes. And judgement day is still pretty far away.

CHRIS: Not according to those who claim to be doing your work, at least in Naija. Anyways, it’s been over 20 years since they did what they did, but I still can’t find it in my heart to forgive them and I need to tell you about them so you’ll remember not to forgive them too.

GOD: Interesting. Okay, tell me about it.

CHRIS: Thank you sir. Number 1: Mr Kwame, my Primary 5 class teacher. For a whole year, this stout, big-arsed Ghanaian gave me at least 7 strokes of the cane every frigging morning. For one whole year!

GOD: (Laughing) Yeah, I remember that! He beat you ‘cos you never scored more than 3 over 10 in arithmetic.

CHRIS: You did not put it in me to score more than 3 over 10 in Arithmetic! Did I not thrash everyone in English and Social Studies? Was I not the don of the debating society? Did I not read every frigging story book in the library? Who wrote love letters for Primary 5 pupils and ensured that boys could tell their girlfriends how they truly felt? Why did he think that my success in life and salvation depended on solving stupid quadratic equations and algebra? Why?! I never passed, so what?! See me now!

GOD: He wanted the best for you…it was in your interest.

CHRIS: Best for me my black hairy arse! Bloody waste of time! Shebi, I never passed Maths in WAEC, even after three attempts; finish! I would still gladly fail again if I re-wrote it tomorrow morning. Nonsense in brackets! I hope he is old and wrinkled and his bladder fails him constantly wherever he is now. I’m sure his little Willie has shrunk to the size of an earthworm! I hope a huge maths textbook falls on his head somewhere and he suffers migraine in abundance!

GOD: Wow, such violence. Okay, who’s next?

CHRIS: Fred Ihidero, my eldest brother.

GOD: Ha, a member of your family? This must be serious o!

CHRIS: It is! I will never forgive him for bathing me with BRAND NEW local sponge and Tetmosol soap while I had Craw-craw all over my body, and then pouring DUSTING POWDER all over the bleeding sores! Arrrrrhhhhh!!! The memories make me shiver! That is a true example of man’s inhumanity to man! Like every responsible child in a boarding house, I caught craw-craw while it passed by, and my own brother’s way of dealing with the disgrace of having a brother covered all over with Craw-craw was this?! This, certainly, is an unforgivable sin. Even you can’t forgive this sir!

GOD: Let’s leave what I can or cannot forgive alone for a moment. I think you are being economical with the truth when you talk about how you got the Craw-craw. As I remember it, you got it because you never finished your breakfast before the bell for assembly was rung and you went ahead to pour your breakfast in your pockets…shall I remind you?

FLASHBACK

[7 year old CHRIS stands in line at the assembly, mouthing the national anthem. His hands rest firmly in his short’s pockets. His eyes dart right and left as his right hand emerges from the pocket scooping Ogi, which is swiftly transferred to his mouth. His eyes dart again and his left hand emerges with a half-eaten ball of Akara and  some crumbs. Done with the food, he wipes his hands clean on his laps and rounds off the anthem with other pupils, rather loudly, licking his lips in the process: ‘To serve with heart and might…‘]

BACK TO HEAVEN

CHRIS: (Unyielding) When then? And so? What’s the problem with that?

Should I have wasted my food, especially when SAP was the order of the day? Do you know how many people starved to death in Ethiopia that year? Instead of recognising my genius, you are making excuses. Do you not receive prayers from people who are begging for children like me?

If the world had learned from my sense of prudence, there would have been no recession!

GOD: Stop believing your own hype my guy. Okay, to the next one. Who’s the last person you are threatening not to forgive?

CHRIS: Mr. Idowu, my primary school headmaster, for shagging Ms Christie, primary 5B class teacher!

GOD: My friend would you watch your language! Do you realise you are in heaven?!

CHRIS: Sorry sir. Let me rephrase: Please sir, do not forgive Mr. Idowu for having carnal knowledge of Ms. Christie, the love interest of a poor 8-year-old child!

GOD: It was sex between two consenting adults. Besides, how was he to be aware of your infatuation?

CHRIS: (Almost in tears) Ahhhhhhh!! It was not infatuation jor and EVERYBODY knew! Everybody saw how my life entered a crisis every time she turned her cute butt to the class as she wrote something on the blackboard; everybody knew that I spied her boobs from her neckline whenever she bent over my books; everyone knew that I cried whenever she had a slight headache and said we should keep quiet so she could rest (I feared that she would die!); everybody knew that thoughts of her comforted me when Whitney Houston broke my heart; everybody knew that she was going to wait for me to grow up and we were going to get married; EVERYBODY KNEW! He knew sir, I swear to God he knew, and he took advantage of his position as headmaster and ‘chanced’ a poor pupil and ruined my love life forever!

GOD: Such exaggeration. And stop swearing to me, I’m right here! If he is not to be forgiven for his alleged sin, shall we also not forgive you for harbouring these thoughts?

CHRIS: Haba, don’t get carried away o; I’m only visiting! Judge me when I’m dead! I have said my own; let me not find any of these three people here after judgement day o, or else this place will be too hot even for heavenly bodies!

GOD: Really? Ok. (Calling) Angel Michael!

CHRIS: What?! What do you think you are doing?

GOD: No need to wait till ‘JD’ to make heaven hot for us; let’s see how you do against just Michael! (Calling louder) Angel Michael! Angel Michael!

MICHAEL: (Answering from afar) Yes Siiiirrrrr!!!!

CHRIS: (Running) Such violence! In worldly terms this amounts to terrorism!! Inviting someone with a blazing sword to what was simply a tete-a-tete…this is an abuse of power!

GOD: (roaring with laughter) Wait now, wait! Olowdow!! LWKMD!!!

*This piece was first published as a Facebook note in 2010.