By Chris Ihidero
Baby, I heard something today o, and it got me thinking.’
‘Really? What is that?’
‘Wait first. Can I ask you something?’
‘Why are you seeking permission to ask me a question? This is not setting up right babe. Should I be concerned that you are about to ask me one of those questions that will bring about a quarrel?’
‘No now, why would I do such a thing?’
‘You are going to ask anyway, whether I like it or not, so you may as well get to it.’
‘Ehn ehn, you are being defensive already without even me asking the question. I can see that what they said is true. No need to ask the question sef.’
‘What who said? Can you ask this damn question so we can get this over and done with?!’
‘Why did you marry me?’
‘What?’
‘Christopher, why did you marry me?’
‘Shit. This is not going to end well. It’s always a serious matter when you call be by my full name, except of course when…never mind. Anyway, I don’t understand the question.’
‘What is there not to understand? It is a pretty simple question: WHY DID YOU MARRY ME?
‘Because…because…because I was tired of eating Indomie and boiled eggs; because I was afraid to sleep alone at night so that Ojuju calabar will not come and carry me; because I needed someone to argue with as the walls were getting tired of me screaming at them; because I needed copious amounts of unpaid for sex and children whose school fees I would have to pay for with my liver and large intestines; because…’
‘Sarcasm won’t help you today. You will never have gotten married for any of those silly reasons. Besides, I wasn’t asking you why you got married. I am asking why you married ME.’
‘God in heaven! What sort of question is this, babe? Who else would I have married?’
‘Oh, are you saying that of all the babes you had in your hands at that time I was the only one you could have married?’
‘You are the ONLY one I married, to the best of my knowledge, so why are we having this discussion? Besides, what do you mean by all the babes in my hands? You make it sound like I was juggling boobs in search of a perky pair to suck for life!’
‘Say whatever you like but you still haven’t answered my question.’
‘What question? In fact, to be candid; I think this question is very unfair and unkind to ask me, after everything I did to marry you!’
‘Huh? What did you do, biko?’
‘What didn’t I do? Crossed seven seas, climbed seven mountains, conquered daemons in evil forests…’
‘Please shut up. You can be so tiring. Well, I have my answer now. They were right after all.’
‘Who are they and what are they right about?’
‘That a man merely marries whoever is around when he decides to get married. That all silly thoughts of being the special one is part of the nonsense we women like to believe. That a man doesn’t marry for love, more like for convenience. That the choice of who a man marries is arbitrary, you know, just like what pair of socks he wears to work. ‘
‘They are foolish people and their head is not correct! What nonsense! How can anyone say such a thing, ehn, how? Something that I waited for all my life! In fact, to be honest; I would have remained single forever if you I didn’t meet you! The thought of even living in the same house with anyone but you is repulsive!’
‘You are so predictable. You start raising your voice when you know you’ve been caught out. You are such a poor liar. Anyone hearing you now will not know that you proposed to me the same way you proposed to the other one you eventually didn’t marry, in the same restaurant o. So much for me being special.’
‘Christ almighty! This woman, what do you want from me? Am I going to forever regret telling you about that proposal? Besides, that is the best Chinese restaurant on the mainland and your proposal cost me almost 20k, which, if adjusted for inflation is almost 50k in today’s money…that’s someone’s annual salary! And that’s minus the ring.’
‘It is okay. It’s just sad that I’m an afterthought after all. Really sad.’
‘May Sango, assisted by Ogun and Osun, punish the people spewing this nonsense theory with untreatable measles. Baby, my own baby, trust me; this theory is nonsense.’
‘I hear you.’
‘By the way, why did you marry me?’
‘I don’t understand what you’re saying.’
‘Ha ha! Don’t go anywhere o, stay right there. WHY DID YOU MARRY ME?’
‘That’s not what we are talking about.’
‘It is o! Why did you marry ME? I was the special one you’ve been waiting for all your life, abi? You would rather have died of loneliness than marry someone else, right? Talk na!’
‘Christopher, biko rapu’m aka. No ebe a na akoyeri, ana ako na A, i na ako na Z…
(Christopher please leave me alone. Stay there and be talking nonsense, we are talking about one thing and you are talking something else)
‘Back to sender! Omo yibo!’
