By Chris Ihidero
All was well with the world until she popped the question. My wandering mind had been unusually tame and I could have sworn that we were friends. In fact, I thought I was making interesting first impressions as we stood apart from the crowd and sipped red wine.
HER: (All smiles) You do come across as a gentleman. That’s nice to see, especially with young men having their manners all over the place these days.
ME: I’ll take that as a compliment.
HER: Oh, it’s the truth really. You are a great guy; courteous, respectful and considerate. It’s guys like you who stay in the labour room with their wives during delivery.
ME: Excuse me? Stay with who, where?
HER: (Still smiling) Yeah you would, wouldn’t you?
ME: Actually, I wouldn’t.
HER: (Smiles disappear) You wouldn’t stay with your spouse as she delivers your child?
ME: Our child. And no, I wouldn’t. I would be close by though, at a bar not too far away, awaiting the good news while drinking with the boys. Some things, like delivery, are better handled alone.
HER: (glaring) Are you effing serious?! You mean you’ll actually be drinking while your beloved wife is suffering, straining every single bone and muscle in her body to bear you a child?!
ME: You make it sound like I put a gun to her head to do it. Besides, I was just pulling your legs. I’ll actually be right outside the door.
HER: That makes it even worse! Why can’t you be inside with her? Some men do it, you know!
ME: Because I hate the sight of blood! Besides, doctors, nurses, midwives, anaestheticians and a zillion other medical staff will be with her. I guarantee you that she won’t be alone. Yes, some lily-livered overcompensating men do it! They should be stripped naked and paraded on the streets, with ash on their pubic hair!
HER: (Bemused…almost pleading) You won’t be there to hold her hand? You won’t sing and coo in her ears?
ME: If she’s actually employing every single bone and muscle in her body, holding her hands would be a distraction. She should focus on the job at hand. And having me sing near a delivery is a dangerous act; we don’t want the child to change his/her mind about coming, do we?
HER: (waving clenched fist in my face) You think this is a joke? You make me want to pulp your brain!
ME: Oh! A natural feeling arising out of envy, for as a woman, your brain is smaller than mine! (Seeing that she looks like she’s actually going to punch me in the face, I added) I didn’t actually come up with that. It’s a line from Soyinka’s The Lion and the Jewel.
HER: (Screaming) Fuck you and your Soyinka, and every single male chauvinist pig that God unfortunately created! Fuck you all! You cringe-inducing, phlegm-deserving pieces of shit!
ME: (Screaming right back) What’s all this ranting about? Why are we being constantly blackmailed with this stay-with-me-in-the-labour-room-to-show-you-care bullshit?! My part was getting you pregnant; your part is delivering the baby; division of labour, period! No single day goes by without a man being reminded by a mother that she poured blood on you, or by a woman that she bore you a child! Please! It’s a couple of groans, a couple of moans, some sweat, a few screams and the baby pops out. It’s not like it’s rocket science, or even comparable to toothache! What!? All this holding her hand trick is just so she can curse me and my forefathers, using the delivery as an excuse to say something she has always wanted to say. I am not falling for such a cheap trick!
HER: (Looking scandalised) Yeeeepa! My eyes have beheld iniquity! I swear by heaven and the nine hells, you are dead meat! Wait for me! (She starts pursuing. I take off. We start running in circles) Wait now, wait and let me show you how unworthy women are, you this spineless popinjay. Come and be pregnant for one day and see what it feels like. Wait now, why are you running away? Bring your two left legs here and let me teach you a lesson
ME: (still running) War kills the soldier; water, the swimmer. I shall live to fight another day. But take this before I go: We men are your claim to fame! It wasn’t until you had us that you could stand with your two feet in your father’s house, and you may have a zillion females like you, you’re still not a real woman until you bear a MAN! By the way, being pregnant for a day or a month or six months sef isn’t heavier than eating a big bowl of Eba, so pleeeeease!
8 comments
This is just sad…lyk really??? Chris? This is what u sat down to write and even publish. U do know some women die during labour?right?
I’m just shocked at this article..
Nice piece Chris,I am always eager for ur article every monday.U hav said it all,they dnt hav to remind us bout the pain the went through y givin birth to us cos its a pride to b a married woman.More grease to ur elbow and thank God u run for ur dear life b4 she do sumtin nasty!Lol
Chris has gone mad again ooooo!
This is great ilove it.more grace 2 ur elbow,it’s division of labour indeed.
Hilarious as ever… Chris is just something else… Enjoyable as always…
Wow! What an extremely saddening piece for a woman who knows what it feels like to bear a child. I can say a lot. However, I will only say this. Please dont upset any more women with this article. A controversial article doesn’t make you a genius writer, especially when you demean and hurt a gender with it. Getting a woman pregnant does not cause you men pain. It gives men pleasure. So pls don’t liken both situations because they are not the same. Women have lost their lives giving birth to children. I’m surprised that a grown man like you would write such. Anyway, goodluck in your future endeavours.
Where is your sense of humour??? Its so obvious it was written tongue in cheek……jeez!
*chasing you with a stick now*