By Chris Ihidero
Dear Friend,
Greetings. I hear you have found a lovely woman you wish to spend the rest of your life with. I hear she is Igbo. Congratulations. Before you go ahead, however, please permit me to say a few things concerning marrying an Igbo woman. I know unsolicited advice is as unwanted as armpit boils, but do spare me a second or two; this is important. See, I know you think the bride price you’ve been told to pay and the long list of traditional marriage items are your biggest issues…trust me, they are nothing compared with what you will face after the ceremonies have been completed and every member of her village has gone home with his/her share of the booty for which you mortgaged your father’s properties.
Now, take note of the following, dear friend:
1. Forget Authority: If you were marrying a Yoruba woman, she would have come to your house with her mother’s voice ringing in her ears that a husband’s house is a place where life’s lessons are learnt. It’s a different story for the Igbo woman. She comes from a long line of ‘unruly’ people who traditionally have no concept of a central authority figure. Prepare to be stared down eyeball to eyeball in an argument. Prepare to be laughed at when you attempt to assert yourself as the ‘man of the house.’ When she’s done laughing, she’ll measure you, up and down with her left, and sneer: ‘Hian! See this one o; who do you think you’re talking to?’ She’ll clap and shake her head, then she’ll add something in Igbo and then saunter away, wriggling her backside. It isn’t for nothing that the legendary Aba Womens’ Riot happened in…ABA.
2. Prepare to be Called Names: No, I am not referring to endearing (more like puke-inducing, actually) names like Baby, Darling, or Nkem. I’m talking about names that qualify your lineage and ethnicity in terms that are not exactly complimentary. If you are Yoruba, you and your people will be Ndi ofe mmanu (something about too much oil in your soup and fried things in your life); If you are a Northerner, you and your people will be Ndi beribe (something about possessing a mumu gene). Find solace in the fact that if you are truly Yoruba, you ‘know’ that Igbo people use kick to wake their mothers up from the mat in the morning.
3. Say Goodbye to your Waistline: Your waistline will increase in proportion to the years you spend with an Igbo woman who knows the well-beaten path to her mother’s kitchen. Gone are your days of adding stew to ewedu and okro, or eating egusi soup that was blended with tomatoes. Tufiakwa! The introduction of Ofe Akwu, Nsala, Oha, Onugbu, Ofe Owerri and Oporoko will ensure that when you sit, you fill up the chair. That’s what is called a man, a DIMGBA! Not one that looks like something some hungry wind blew in. When the husband of an Igbo woman stands, people must see that a man is standing. Size matters. Don’t be deceived by the looks of people like Ebuka Obi-Uchendu and that six-pack nonsense; he’s not a proper Igbo man. Look more at people like his elder brother Ugo or imagine Noble Igwe a few years after marriage; now, those are real Igbo men! Size matters to an Igbo woman.
4. Be Aware of the Oriaku Syndrome: You have not heard of the Oriaku Syndrome? Don’t worry, I will tell you. You see, when you marry an Igbo woman, you work for her. Your glory comes from seeing her shine. When she steps out, people must SEE your money on her body. If your wife looks like the dried fish she uses in cooking your soup, you are not a man! If she’s dressed like something that was sent to Lagos along with discarded wares, you have failed in your duties! The Oriaku Syndrome posits that your wife is the chopper of your money, simple. Don’t take this to mean that you are her provider and therefore she isn’t independent. When the Igbo man was planting yam, the Igbo woman was planting and harvesting cocoyam, and as every Igbo household can testify, the cocoyam is more useful than yam. Yam is only the king crop because the Igbo society, like others, is phallocentric. Don’t get it twisted.
5. Beware of the Illuminati: Do not marry any Igbo woman that is the first daughter of her father. All first daughters in Igboland are members of the real Illuminati. They sometimes call it by another name: Umuada. They are the most powerful group in Igboland and can do and undo. No one uses small spoon to measure their food. If you marry one and misbehave and she reports you, you are doomed. Even when you don’t marry one, you are still doomed if your wife ever reports you to them. They may decide that all the first daughters from her village will come and live in your house for a month. You may wish to consider suicide if that ever happens to you. It is the Igbo woman who has forgotten the path to her father’s house that suffers in a man’s house when she has the Umuada waiting.
6. The Catholic Church Intervention: When an Igbo woman is tired of you and your nonsense, she’ll simply pack her bag and return to her father’s house. If you do not run after her and collect your bride price back from her father, whatever child she bears anywhere she goes will bear your name. Yes, I’m serious. This is why there are no bastards in Igboland. But thank God for the Catholic Church, this doesn’t happen often. The average Igbo woman is Catholic and the Catholic Church has issues with divorce. Be smart: if you’re going to marry an Igbo woman, marry one who is a Catholic; it reduces her chances of leaving you by about 50%.
You may wish to ask why none of the above is often the case when an Igbo woman marries an Igbo man… well, I don’t know. Perhaps the Igbo man knows how to be ‘oga’ over the Igbo woman and has refused to share the secret with aliens.
Anyways, is your couch free for the night? Surely there’s no way I’m going home to that woman tonight after all this…
51 comments
Most ignorant piece I’ve ever read. Shallow fellow. If you’re literate, this is a dissappointment to education.
Utter nonsense. Still I get you were only trying to come across as funny,which you woefully failed at achieving. How sad does your job make you,really? Nobody who’s got a job he enjoys finds time to blurt such misguided and baseless crap. Please do better at improving sense of humour,it is at a painful low,tbh! My prayers go to your spouse for tolerance.
Well said, Amara!! This is the most misguided I have ever seen and read of things one should be ‘wary’ of when about to marry an Igbo woman! We come ‘from a long line of unruly people?’! What rubbish!! I’ll have him know that we are the most industrious and innovative people I have ever met and trust me, I have met them all!!!
Now Chris is surely in trouble with this piece coming in the middle of the Achebe Loyalist Vs Awo Loyalist ‘civil war’. Meanwhile congrats on your short film win.
Crazy. Hilarious. Some truths? LOOL
I’m not surprised, most yoruba men are scared of intimidation..once dey see a powerful igbo woman dey run and make up xcuses.dey rada stay wiv some1 who doesn’t wanna b sophisticated afta marriage and who has no opinion. Only a REAL man can handle ibo women…its a gud tin we are feared..@ least it limits our chances of dealing wit losers. Njoyed d piece though
This is actually nonsense and falsehood to portray the Igbo people in bad light. I am not Igbo, but i have lived in the midst of the Igbo’s for over 20 years now and they have a reputation for a stable marriages. I spent my Youth service for the first time with yoruba corpers at the RCCG family house in Jos, and i saw hell in their midst, i saw the height of tribalism and pettiness, i saw a race of people that a self seeking and selfish.It was at that point i appreciated our Igbo brothers. In career,the first year we employed a yoruba guy in our office, he lied and made false accusation about almost every staff to get favour with management, he succeeeded in sacking the two bosses he worked with at different times and he is now his own boss and he is happy, shinning with the glory of other people but one day nemesis will catch up with him. As for Igbo women, the will make better wives than those loose yoruba women everywhere.
LOOOOOOL! Funniest ever! You people that are vexing, have you not heard of “satirical writing”? You’re already taking personal?
Chris keep it up jare!
Nice piece jare.these tins r common knowledge,chris wz prolly wrong wit d ‘say goodbye to ur waistline’ part cos most ‘modern’ girls(igbo girls inclusive) can’t cook…i knw itis possible 2 marry an igbo girl nd ‘live hapily eva afta’buh d probablity of experiencing dese tins he listed is definately higher…i shud add dt most igbo girls r fine sha.
very stupid talk
U lots shuld relax, u didn’t have 2 take it so seriously. Am sure Chris meant no disregard for the Igbo female folks. Meanwhile, Chris, true dat, do not venture near your house for the rest of †ђis week. Hahahaha, *struts off*.
“…That’s what is called a man, a DIMGBA! Not one that looks like something some hungry wind blew in…”
Hahahahahahahahahaha… Iwu nno afo anu!
Wow how stupid!!! This is why nigeria and Nigerians living in nigeria will never progress!!! Stay there and be deciding who to marry Igbo or Hausa!! Only a fool will judge a woman by this article!
Hope she will not read this page and hope many other of them will not read it since you are painfully close to Igbo women…
Funniest piece eva –>”The introduction of Ofe Akwu, Nsala, Oha, Onugbu, Ofe Owerri and Oporoko will ensure that when you sit, you fill up the chair.” LOOOL
Chris again! Got me LOL at work. I know he married an Igbo woman and he seems like a happy man,so relax.
I know you wouldn’t have dared if Mrs Ihidero wld mind, you are covered.
This piece is just too funny!!! I kept on laughing like a crazy person. Absolutely loved it! Meanwhile, some Nigerians take life too seriously! Some of you guys need to laugh! Haba!!! There’s absolutely nothing ignorant or tribalist about this piece! He’s married to an Ibo woman for Christ’s sake, he has every right to write about it, it’s first hand. But again this is just pure humour. Laugh and move on with ur lives… And yeah, I have a couch in my garage for u.
So some people are still this ignorant? This is a very good satarical piece full of truths. My climax is the last paragraph. So this dude is married to an Igbo woman afterall. But Chris, be truthful, your wife is the first daughter and from a catholic background right?
Mehn this is hilarious. Guys don’t take it personal. I know a few of the stuff will hit some nerves but this is a good satire. I most especially enjoyed the part where the men fill the chair. I love Igbo women though and in my interactions with women, they always come out as the best wife materials because they really know how to love and care for their families. I’m still laughing here though. Keep it up man.
“…That’s what is called a man, a DIMGBA! Not one that looks like something some hungry wind blew in…” lwkmd. This is really beautiful. I wish I could put this up on my blog. No need taking this personal. Just read and laugh. All these Igbo folks taking it personal. If na “Akpos” Chris write about all of una for dey shine una teeth o
LOL!!!!!! Still laughing… as hilarious as ever. Chris is VERY married to an Igbo woman who he is very nuts about and none of the things he said here is a reflection of his marriage. she is catholic and no… not the first daughter of her father. For everyone taking this seriously, take a look at the guy in question, does he look like someone who someone can lord over? As he yabs others so has he decided to yab igbos in this piece. i can bet you his wife read this piece even before it was published, i am very certain she did the spell check for this piece as well and yes…. i am…
I am a strong Igbo ambassador and I did not find this piece offensive one bit. We should read in between the lines. Now Oga Chris you got me LOL with the Illuminati part. POC though; in my part Nnewi, Umuada is not the exclusive preserve of the first daughters only but all married female. Keep it up bro.
Ok people, for those of you that are offended or thinks he is shallow, take it easy because:
1, this is a satire – if you dont know what that means, get a dictionary.
2, he is married to an Igbo catholic, my sister to be precise so that equally makes me an Igbo catholic woman, we are not offended, just appreciating humour and a good writer too.
3, his wife has commented and she is fine with it
4, other igbo people have commented and we appreciate the joke take it for what is it and leave it be.
Chris good write up once again and congrats to your film success.
Every bit satirical! By the ‘unruly’ thing, he is trying to point out out that the ibos in general give respect to whom it is due. They are no sycophants as they tell u as it really is. No ‘eye service’. The greetings 25times a day is not their thing-it is definitely not a proof of their respect of u.Bottom line: U want respect as man? Command it! I am so ibo and pls take no offense co-ibos for if u look at this critically, he is paying homage to the ibo woman.
Take a chill pill ppl. Such fury! Relax.
Pretty certain this was written with tongue firmly in cheek. The outrage is as hilarious as the article itself.
You are a disgrace to your tribe,family and generation…..gosh can someone really be this stupid?
This is arrant nonsence,if ur wifeis like that then thats a pity cos majority of igbo women hav reputation for stabble marriages,pls talk to ur wife n find out wot went wrong,u dont hav to generalise in ur sacarsm.
Hillarious read man! I can believe people are taking it personal or serious! U got me with d “catholic intervention” dat was it!!!
Every tribe has its issues, we shud learn to make fun of dem dats d only way we can live above all that tribalism crap.
Everyone dissing Chris are the one so full of BS, you should go and check the dictionary or Wikipedia for an expose on what Satire means.
What part of the word ‘satire’ do ppl not understand?? Y’all need some literature lessons. Good writing man. #thumbs up
Relax my friend. If you found this article meaningful, then no one needs a literature lesson more than you. Below is the comment I left here. That is “one” reason why this article is a mess.
Whoever wrote this nonsense is not very smart. “The average Igbo woman is catholic” says your dumb ass?? “If you are going to marry an Igbo woman, marry a catholic”….And I say, keep your faith to yourself Mr.
Lmfaoooo, ibo people abeg chill, this piece s hilarious weda u like it or not, keep an open mind.
Good job chris, me likie…
Isn’t it just sad that people who obviously seem educated (what with good english-writing n all) wld take this this way? Not everyone studied literature but at least ‘education’ shld hav allowed most to hav an idea of what sattire is about. Its probly that deep-seated tribalism that’s in soo many of us, even this our generatn. I’m Igbo, but I was already smiling within the 1st few lines of reading. See him even using the opportunity to yab his own Igbo friends on it and then closing on his life partner. Abeg those dissing Chris on this shld just step back, open their minds n read it again with THE bigger picture in mind and THEN hopefully, see a diff perspective. Nice one bruv
Arrant nonsense! This is the height of travesty.I don’t know about u,but any write-up that annoys innocent people is surely no satire. It is idiocy! All those who see this as “good piece” and claim to have had a “lol” are nothing but liars. They,for one,would not allow it if stuffs are said about where they come from.
This is not the first time this Ihindero guy has written a load of rubbish in the name of write-up.I remember the nonsense he wrote on half of a yellow sun. Who allows this man write? Surely they have no better staff. He is nothing short of a loose, irritating and annoying writer. Let him go learn better.
#crap
this man is saying nonsense, i wonder were he got all those nonsense from. Pls dont come and spoil my relationship 4 me bcos my man is nt an Igbo man, saying things dat does nt exist
Y’all defending this absolute crap of a piece are just insensitive! I get the idea of the piece being satirical, but he did it wrong! It didn’t come out well.. & there’s the risk of it being good humour or total rubbish! & sadly it’s the latter. Too offensive
All these great literature giants who don’t even know the meaning of a satire, get your facts straight before airing your smart by half opinions. Don’t insult our intelligence by calling this funny piece of crap a satire and thinking the writer has been absolved for his hilarious but insensitive write up. The whole point of a satire is to condemn in the first place, so yes he has insulted we Igbo women. But fact remains that calling a Swan a duck doesn’t change what the swan is, a SWAN!!!
Chris! Chris!! smh. I’m sure you didn’t mean any harm when you thought to put this out. It got me laughing and some how you reached women from other parts of Nigeria with the side comments e.g Yoruba women with everything FRIED. looool.
Arrant nonsense. This piece is a fallacy, unnecessay hasty gen
eralisation. Lyk d yorubas will make a perfect wife. If i start writin about thier misdeeds in marriages, i’ll finish with a best seller. So chris, ur wife aint d same wit millions of igbo ladies out there
In as much as the idea of this piece is not to generate a rubble against the igbo women in particular, it would’ve been better acknowledged from a more personified angle. All the same, it’s a well stipulated piece no doubt about it. Nice1!
Even illiterates who didn’t know what satire meant before now are busy typing ‘a satirical piece’ away. He was wrong in generalising like someone who didn’t receive basic education. If he was writing about how Yorubas being the dirtiest tribe (because of a few dirty yorubas we know) or that all Benin women were prostitutes (because a larger amount of women into Prostitution are from Edo) maybe you people wwould understand the dangers of impulse writing to come off as funny. I as an Igbo lady find this piece in no way funny. And I’m happy he married to an Igbo woman too,so he’d be the yardstick in measuring. If she was that bad a woman,you won’t still be married to her. But I hope that all you’ve tried to make us understand from this piece happen to you. Let’s not misuse the medium we have to reach out to folks. Be guided.
from my own p.o.v, if i was a dude, i would be drawn by this piece, to the igbo woman. No, i dont think it’s an offensive article. it actually points out that an igbo woman is assertive and can’t be pushed over. she also can be an awesome cook and is not given to ‘high service butt licking scenarios. she will be a wife you can be proud of outside and she can be dependable. best of all, she will have the support of her people and cannot be a ‘kicked to the curb wife. Only real men are not threatened by the independence of a woman and I think this Chris is. He did marry an ibo afterall . 🙂
the article should therefore serve as a warning only to those spineless men out there who intend to marry a woman they can bully and ride over. well, consider yourselves warned!
Whoever wrote this nonsense is not very smart. “The average Igbo woman is catholic” says your dumb ass?? “If you are going to marry an Igbo woman, marry a catholic”….And I say, keep your faith to yourself Mr.
So so hilarious! I hope you actually did sleep on the couch for many days. My igbo friends are laughing hard and wish they lay their hands on you. good piece!!
Whoever this dry-joker is, I think he should bow his head in shame after re-reading his own balderdash. Why can’t these unintelligent Nigerians grow beyond tribal diatribes?
By reading this misinformed piece, one can tell how much this buffoon values his own wife.
I have never seen a more wasted use of talent. You are not only wrong but foolish to hav sat down to thinkm type and post this. Please, i can see you have lost your roots….try and re-trace it before it is too late.
ermmm nwannem nwoke if i catch you err this is so hilarious lol
I enjoyed this post so much. Though it doesn’t look that way, Chris managed to point out the things that make the women of Igbo origins so appealing. Strong-Willed, they are almost never a source of public embarrasment. Great great cooks. And of course, beautiful bodies. For the most part, anyways.
I am an Ada in Igboland and very Roman Catholic. I don laugh fall off from the bed. Umuada=illuminati #dazzalll hahahahaaaaa
Yes, I feed le hubby like crazy. He is from NigerDelta with all those fish meals, mbanu! I have surely changed his waistline and he is now shining brai like a diamond.
Lovely piece!
Chris, I think you should do a better research when posting certain thoughts on the internet. I agree that few things you wtote could be true but in a post like this, it is better to make it professional to disallow confusing non indegens as the world become flat day by day. people could use it during research and as a handsome man, it will destroy your face.
I was told by a Kabiosi is Osun state during my Youth Service days that Igbo women abhore leaving their marriages no matter the problems and I see it while I grow up. If your opinion is that Western culture has and is still destroying cultural values, that will be more like it, and it affects all culutures bith in Nigeria ethnic groups and abroad.
may be you should spend time and money and do research about divorces among the Igbos, the Yorubas, and Hausas (Nigeria main ethnic groups), only then will understand unless your purspose here is just for fun and entertainment, then you can post all the lies to make people laugh and get angry.