Breaking News: The missing rib is a remote control!

By Chris Ihidero

The content of this article is entirely the fault of my good friend Ebuka Obi-Uchendu. There I was, stewing in my ignorance and he came along and pricked my illusion and burst my bubbles with a single tweet. Some days ago, Ebuka tweeted: ‘Is the rib missing? Or you find someone and hand them your rib to use as remote control for life?‘ On reading that tweet, it hit me like a rocket: This is what wifey has been doing; she has been pressing my mumu button on an invisible remote control, made from my proverbial missing rib!

Happily married men, in their foolery, talk about how they have found their missing rib. They often talk about how the wife never stresses them, never makes outrageous demands, always their like a true friend, blah blah blah. What they do not realise is that the proverbial rib has been converted to a remote control with a huge button labelled MUMU on it. By now you must realise that the most important remote control in the house is not the TV remote control she graciously left you to lord over, but the one she holds and you don’t see.

Remember what happens just before she tells you to take out the trash? Yeah, it usually goes like this: ‘Baby, could you please take out the trash?‘ Nine out of ten times you will do as you have been told. No, it’s not because you are an understanding man; you were understanding before you got married and you didn’t take out the trash. She pressed the remote control before asking you!

It’s Saturday and you are seated before the TV enjoying the matches of the day. Your other half is making cooking up a storm in the kitchen. You are focused on the game and don’t want to be disturbed. She emerges from the kitchen with a few bony chicken wings and legs and a drink. Awww, so thoughtful of her you think, as you say thank you. Ten minutes later she re-emerges with a bowl of Okro and grater: ‘Darling, could you please help grate these? It’s alright if you can’t though, I’ll totally understand.‘ How do you say no? How do you say no to someone who says she’ll understand if you said no but implies it will make her sad, which will in turn ruin the rest of your day? Mumu strategy working full time!

Some months ago, a friend tweeted about how the wifey always has something for him to pick up from the grocery store on his way home from work. I laughed out loud. Very familiar story. Here’s how it usually happens to me: ‘Love of my live, sorry to bother you but can you buy bread on your way home? We don’t have bread and you know you always like to have bread in the fridge.‘ Yeah right, it’s ME that needs the bread!

I hear this is how successful marriages are set up and the smart guy plays along, knowing that in the end the marriage has a greater chance to succeed, as long as he doesn’t rock the boat by aiming a roundhouse kick at the remote controlled mumu strategy. Let her feel in control…some reverse psychology strategy. I say bullshit!

Dear unmarried-friend-currently-looking-for-missing-rib, hope you find it and when you do, suffer like the rest of us who are currently living a remote-controlled life of trash carrying, annoying grocery store stopovers, bony chicken wings and feet munching, okro-grating and vegetable chopping. Ha!

All the best.