By Chris Ihidero
‘Babe, stop it now.’
‘Stop what?’
‘Stop this blocking tactics you have been doing for a few days now.’
‘What blocking tactics?’
‘Stop acting like you don’t know what I am saying. Are you not in the mood again tonight?’
‘This has nothing to do with mood biko.’
‘What does it have something to do with then, what?!’
‘Did you wash your hand?’
‘What?!’
‘Did you was your hand before coming to bed?’
What the hell does that mean? When have I ever come to bed without washing up?’
‘What did you use to wash your hand?’
‘Soap. What else was I supposed to use?’
‘You didn’t use hand sanitizer? You see, this is what I’m talking about.’
‘What are you talking about? Didn’t you see sanitizer in the car? Haven’t I been using it every single time and return to the car?’
‘What’s the percentage of alcohol in it? Besides, you didn’t use it in the house.’
‘Babe, I really think you should quit with this silly excuse. It’s actually fine if you don’t feel like making love, after all I am not going to rape you. But to keep coming up with excuses like these is an all-time low, really.’
‘Oh, so you are now turning your back to me, abi? Well, Ebola is an all-time low for this country and I am not going to catch it!’
‘So, I am the one going to give you Ebola, abi? That’s why you’ve not been kissing me too?’
‘I’m currently taking a leave from all manner of body contact that involves the exchange of any type of body fluid, biko. I cannot come and die.’
‘So it’s me that wants to die? Don’t worry, no wahala. But please note that the ‘Till death do us apart’ that we swore to is now null and void in this marriage!’
‘Ehn, let it be void and null sef. Ebola is a reality that requires the amendment of marital vows.’
‘Great! Let it be on record that you started it. It is even good sef. At least I know that if I contact Ebola today, you will abandon me.’
‘Before nko? What would you expect me to do? To come and hug you and kiss you so that we can die together? Even God will blame me for such stupidity.’
‘ *silence* ‘
‘You are not talking to me again? Baby, you know it is rude to turn your back to someone talking to you…’
‘Leave me! Before tonight, I would have sworn that nothing can come in-between us. But now, I have learnt my lesson. Please leave me and my Ebola infested body alone.’
‘Well, before that unfortunate flight from Liberia landed, I would have sworn that since we were well aware of Ebola outbreak in parts of Africa, we would have been more prepared for the possibility of someone bringing it to Nigeria, such that it would have been impossible for Mr. Sawyer to come into Nigeria with Ebola. I would have sworn that when that short goat of a Minister was saying we were prepared for Ebola, he was not merely foaming in the mouth like a rabid dog. I would have sworn that not having Ebola test kits at points of entry in to the country was an impossibility even for the sleeping giant of Africa. I would have sworn that at our worst we would not have let such carelessness lead to the loss of such a brilliant mind like Dr. Adadevoh and that nurse too. But alas, I had too much faith and here we are, Ebola is an epidemic reality! So sorry, husband of mine, but Ebola deserves all precautionary measures possible.’
‘Great! Embargo is hereby placed on all forms of contact in this house till further notice. Even when Ebola is over, this embargo can only be lifted upon your drinking 100cl of sanitizer and sweating it out from every pore in your body. Then and only then shall the consummation of this marriage resume.’
‘So, what you are saying is that…’
‘Is that I have closed shop! Do me, I do you, God no go vex.’
