By Chris Ihidero
Good morning ladies and gentlemen. My name is Christopher Ihidero and I am representing Primary 5 Red. The topic before me this morning is ‘Is Prostitution Really Bad?‘ I shall argue that not only should prostitution be legalised, it is actually a viable tool for economic regeneration at a time of financial meltdown, with our stock market now worth less than a truckload of tissue paper.
But before I proceed my proceeding procedure, I’d like to behave like a proper African child by saying Good morning Mr Chairman sir, panel of judges, accurate time keeper, co-debaters and my ever attentive audience.
As you all very well know (except you have been living in caves, wearing loincloth and feeding on roots and nuts, or you are simply crazy…) prostitution is the oldest profession in the world. We have been shagging for a fee for a very long time.
Actually, truth be told, we are all prostitutes. We shag and are shagged for a fee: whether the fee is a promise to spend the rest of our miserable lives together; to take a pause in the shagging process so we can have children; to feed and be fed; to clothe, shelter and fend for ourselves in other ways; to get and keep a job; to roll with the happening crowd, or to hobnob with the high and mighty. Whatever our excuses may be, when we get down to the basics, we are all constantly prostituting our bodies, souls and spirits.
Recent research has shown that a round of sex costs about N3, 000 on the mainland in Lagos. On the Island, the cost rises to about N5, 000 or N7. 500 if you end up in Eko Hotel or Protea. This figure drops to about N800 in places like Okoko, Iyana-Ipaja, Alagbole and so on. It is a different situation in Abuja. A round of sex can go as high as $10,000 if a Senator or Member of the House of Representative is involved. Or a minister. Or a president. Or one of those Special Advisers on fufu-pounding and bitter-leaf plucking. It could also go as low as N475 if the prostitute operates around Yanya in Abuja, or Akute on the outskirts of Lagos.
These figures, the research showed, are similar to what obtains in Port-Harcourt, although a noticeable decline in patronage has been obvious since aliens started disappearing into bushes as guests of militants. All wide-eyed teenagers and their progressively ageing elder sisters who shag music/movie stars for a glass of Moet or a cocktail were exempted from the research, as were all tertiary institution students who do ‘runs,’ male or female: the students tend to earn bulk sums, depending on performance, and the sums couldn’t be verified with this research.
Let’s do the math: Let’s assume that there are 500,000 commercial sex workers servicing 16 million Lagosians. If they all have an average of 5 rounds of sex per day at N2000, that’s = N10, 000 per day. Multiply that figure by 30 days and you have N300, 000. Subtract 4 days for menstruation and 1 day for rest, that equals N250, 000 per month. If tax is pegged at 20%, that’s N50, 000 per CSW per month. That’s N250, 000. 000. 00 coming into the coffers of the Lagos State government monthly! THREE BILLION NAIRA A YEAR!!!
Whatever trade brings this kind of money in taxes must be supported and encouraged, certainly! To further my point, ladies and gentlemen, co-debaters, taxing commercial sex workers would require registering them, which in turn would mean that regular testing for HIV and STDs can be done easily. It would also mean that they can form a powerful group which can be appealed to during elections! See, it’s a win-win situation for everyone!
Mr Chairman Sir, I, Christopher Ihidero of Primary 5 Red conclusively submit that we need not be sanctimonious about prostitution. This is not one of those issues where our ever-present big moral stick has no place. This isn’t a moral or religious argument; it is simply an economic imperative. Prostitutes can contribute meaningfully (beyond the obvious important services they render to society) to the economic development of our dear country. This is the smart thing to do. Any argument contrary to my submission is nonsense and shouldn’t be condoned all in the name of fair debate. This is too obvious for all to see!
Thank you sir!
2 comments
Hi Chris,
I see your point but I don’t agree with you! Here is what I think: if prosititution was legal we will certainly have more than 500,000 commercial sex workers, just in the blink of an eye. There will thousand of other ladies (and males) that will join the bussiness hoping to easily make money. Under this assumption logically the average price is likely to drop. Therefore sex will be less expensive! Even if if the price remains the same, don’t forget that we are in Nigeria and there will definetly be tax evasion or tax avoidance: no matter what they (the prostitutes) will fail to report accurately. Maybe she ”served” 10 customers and will tell authorities that she had 2 customers, keeping the N16,000 for herself. How to check it?
I am not against the legalization of prostitution, I think it would make things easier for all of us (you, me, them, etc.) but the tax argurment is flawed.
Now this is way f…. hilarious. First sensible write up by this man. I have always known you to be hyperbolic when it comes to figures artists are earning or the cost of their cars but now, I am laughing so hard 🙂