Twenty suggestions for driving in Lagos

Posted on July 08 2017 , at 09:01 pm
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  • Suggestions, because Lagos motorists are generally mad.

Driving in Lagos is not easy-peezy

Lagos is known as the Centre of Excellence, the aspiring mega-city and eldorado of many hustlers.

 

It is also well-known for its unique road experience and if you’re about to drive in Lagos for the first time, you must have these in mind.

If your car’s never had as much as a scratch in Lagos, are you driving or dreaming?

1. Fear no bagga.

 

2. Every motorist is mad, act accordingly.

We mean, there are levels to the madness you’ll see TBH

 

3. Immediately lock all doors and windows if you see LASTMA.

 

4. Yield to danfos, keke, BRT’s, & other commercial vehicles.

Fear these guys

5. If you like, don’t yield when you see trailer.

 

6. Don’t yield to anybody else, they are all mad.

Issa lunatic I think?? Stay on your lane o

7. If you are ‘on speed’, you have right-of-way.

 

8. Do not give way to traffic coming from any direction. (There are exceptions: see 4 & 5)

 

9. You will often have to socialise with other motorists. Be prepared. Words such as ‘mumu’, ‘ode’, ‘ewu’, ‘idiot’ and so on should be practised before hand.

Are you stupid?

10. You are expected to hoot as loudly as you can once every half-kilometre.

 

11. When changing lanes in traffic, look face.

Or else, you’ll face the face you don’t want to face

12. When rain is falling and visibility is reduced, increase your speed.

 

13. Lane markings are suggestions.

 

14. Of a fellow motorist ‘brushes’  your car, you are expected to immediately stop in the middle of the road and talk it over.

Sometimes, ‘talk’ could mean this

15. Accidents with G-wagons and other similarly expensive cars should be resolved as follows:

 

If it is your fault, you have two choices: Exit your vehicle and vanish (via okada or Usain Bolt) or lie on the floor and wail.

 

If it is the G-wagon’s fault it means you’ve been paying tithe. Cancel all meetings for the rest of the day and face the owner. God has buttered your bread.

‘I’m an understanding person. Give me your car key first’

16. The ‘sidewalk’ is a spare lane.

 

17. At toll gates you are expected to form lanes equal to the square of the number of gates. That is, if there were 5 gates, you should form 25 lanes.

Epic stuff, that Toll Gate traffic

18. Please enjoy the local traffic cuisine while you snail your way through.

 

19. We encourage motorists to live out their greatest GTA fantasy in our great city.

 

20. The use of seatbelt is compulsory at all times for your safety.

Or you’ll find yourself trying to evade LASTMA like this. Bad look

#ThisIsNotTheNews, as presented by Gidimeister.

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